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the number of people getting cardiovascular disease in the USA

the number of people getting cardiovascular disease in the USA YgOJm
The bar graph illustrates the number of inhabitants getting cardiovascular disease in the USA, in term of age groups from 29 to over 65 years old. Overall, it immediately apparent that the quantities of males catching congestive heart failure are higher than the data for women in every groups of age. It is also noticeable that over-65-year-olds are the most easy to getting heart attack. According to the given diagrams, the number of 65-and-over-year-old males catching cardiovascular disease peaks at around 440 thousand, which is the highest among these categories, compared to a lower figure for females, at about 374 thousand. In the interim, just over 420 thousand is the quantity of men falling into the 29 to 44 age group getting heart failure, making it turn into the smallest rate of males. Subsequently, there is a much lower level in the statistic of female individuals, with the number of heart attacks standing at roughly 3 thousand. In contrast to insignificant gaps in the data for 29-44-year-olds and over-65-year-old being at high rates, the quantities of people being from 45 to 64 years old witness large differences. To specify, the figure for women getting congestive heart failure is at approximately 136 thousand, a threefold compared with the data for men.
The bar graph illustrates the number of inhabitants getting cardiovascular disease in the USA, in term of age groups from 29 to over 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.
Overall
, it immediately apparent that the quantities of males catching congestive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
failure are higher than the data for women in every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "group"?
groups
of age. It is
also
noticeable that over-65-year-olds are
This adjective uses the short comparatives form.
the most easy
to getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
attack.

According to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
diagrams, the number of 65-and-over-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
males catching cardiovascular disease peaks at around 440 thousand, which is the highest among these categories, compared to a lower figure for females, at about 374 thousand. In the interim,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 420 thousand is the quantity of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
falling into the 29 to 44 age group getting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
failure, making it turn into the smallest rate of males.
Subsequently
, there is a much lower level in the statistic of female individuals, with the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
attacks standing at roughly 3 thousand.

In contrast
to insignificant gaps in the data for 29-44-year-olds and over-65-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
being at high rates, the quantities of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
being from 45 to 64 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
witness large differences. To specify, the figure for women getting congestive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
failure is at approximately 136 thousand, a threefold compared with the data for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
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IELTS academic the number of people getting cardiovascular disease in the USA

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
210 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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