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the number of employee exercise

the number of employee exercise xDLmo
The pie chart and table below shows workout time and absenteeism in two departments in London and Birmingham. Half of the employees in Birmingham exercise between 5 and 10 hours and just below this amount is for London. This group are the greatest one in both Birmingham and London. Quarter of worker in Birmingham have 10-15 hours physical activity, while this amount is just 10% for other department. The persons who have maximum activity (more than 15 hours) include one tenth of employees in Birmingham and 7% in London. 15% of work man in London and 35% of other group are laziest one with less than 5 hours physical activity. In Birmingham 380 of employees have not any absenteeism, also approximately this amount were prevented between 1-5 days to work because of illness in a year. 242 of worker have more than 5 days absence. The number of employees who have not any absenteeism in a year were less than half of this number in Birmingham. 594 persons in London were absence 1-5 days which are dramatically more than other group. The group with the greatest day of absenteeism in London have nearly equal number with Birmingham. To sum up, most of employee in both country exercise between 5 and 10 hours, also details prove that worker in Birmingham were healthier that other group, because they had less absenteeism.
The pie chart and table below
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
workout time and absenteeism in two departments in London and Birmingham.

Half of the
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employees
in Birmingham exercise between 5 and 10
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hours
and
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just
below this amount is for London. This
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group
are the greatest one in both Birmingham and London. Quarter of worker in Birmingham have 10-15
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hours
physical activity, while this amount is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
10% for
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other
department. The persons who have maximum activity (more than 15
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hours)
include one tenth of
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employees
in Birmingham and 7% in London. 15% of work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in London and 35% of
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other
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group
are
A determiner is probably missing here: "the laziest".
laziest
one with less than 5
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hours
physical activity.

In Birmingham 380 of
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employees
have not any absenteeism,
also
approximately this amount were
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prevented
between 1-5 days to work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of illness in a year. 242 of worker have more than 5 days absence. The number of
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employees
who have not any absenteeism in a year were less than half of this number in Birmingham. 594 persons in London were absence 1-5 days which are
dramatically
more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. The
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group
with the greatest day of absenteeism in London have
nearly
equal number with Birmingham.

To sum up, most of
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employee
in both country exercise between 5 and 10
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hours
,
also
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details
prove that worker in Birmingham were healthier that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they had less absenteeism.
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IELTS academic the number of employee exercise

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
229 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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