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the number of admissions for three different entertainment venues

the number of admissions for three different entertainment venues rLeoJ
The given bar graph illustrates the number of admissions for three different entertainment venues: sports, theme parks, and Cinemas in 2009, while the table data presents the details about the 2009 `s admission fees offer, which presented per ticket and family ticket for different events happened in those venues. Overall, the number of the admission for the cinema’s venue is much greater than the other venue types. At the same time, the admission fees of sports venue`s events are about three times more expensive than for the cinema and slightly higher than theme parks. , the cinema was the most affordable entertainment option. In terms of attendance for the three types of venue, the cinema is over 1000 thousand admissions, about three types higher than the theme parks, around 350 thousand. The sports venue has a minor number of admission, about 150, almost half of theme parks. Regarding the distribution of the admission price, the sport`s venue event costs much higher than other`s venue event. The highest price for admission fees of sports events is allocated to the football games it variant between 75$ for AFL`s football game to 71$ for NRU, the basketball game and cricket game events ticket is respectively 34$, and 24$ about two times lower than the football game. The theme park event costs slightly lower than football, about 70$. On the contrary, the price of cinema events is almost three times lower than sport`s event games.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar graph illustrates the number of
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admissions
for three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
entertainment
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venues
:
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sports
,
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theme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
, and
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Cinemas
in 2009, while the table data presents the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
about the 2009 `s
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admission
fees offer, which presented per ticket and family ticket for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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events
happened in those venues.

Overall
, the number of the
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admission
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
venue
is much greater than the other
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venue
types. At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
fees of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
The character between 'venue' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "venue’s" (curly apostrophe) or "venue's" (straight apostrophe).
venue`s
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events
are about three
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times
more expensive than for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
and
slightly
higher than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
was the most affordable entertainment option.

In terms of attendance for the three types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
venue
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
is over 1000 thousand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admissions
, about three types higher than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
, around 350 thousand. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
venue
has a minor number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
, about 150, almost half of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theme
parks.

Regarding the distribution of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
admission
price, the
The character between 'sport' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "sport’s" (curly apostrophe) or "sport's" (straight apostrophe).
sport`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
venue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
costs much higher than
The character between 'other' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "other’s" (curly apostrophe) or "other's" (straight apostrophe).
other`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
venue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
. The highest price for
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admission
fees of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is allocated
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
football
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
it variant between
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$75".
75$
for
The character between 'AFL' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "AFL’s" (curly apostrophe) or "AFL's" (straight apostrophe).
AFL`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
football
game to
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$71".
71$
for NRU, the basketball game and cricket game
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events
ticket is
respectively
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$34".
34$
, and
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$24".
24$
about two
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times
lower than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
football
game. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
theme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
park
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
costs
slightly
lower than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
football
, about
The currency mark is usually put at the beginning of the number: "$70".
70$
.
On the contrary
, the price of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cinema
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
is almost three
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
lower than
The character between 'sport' and 's' is an accent character, not a standard apostrophe character. Use "sport’s" (curly apostrophe) or "sport's" (straight apostrophe).
sport`s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
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IELTS academic the number of admissions for three different entertainment venues

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
241 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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