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The line graphs reveal the quantity of males and females who work in full and part time employment in Australia during 1973 and 1993.

The line graphs reveal the quantity of males and females who work in full and part time employment in Australia during 1973 and 1993. BJD2a
The line graphs reveal the quantity of males and females who work in full and part time employment in Australia during 1973 and 1993. In 1973 just over 80% of males from 20 to 59 worked in full time jobs; however this figure for over 60 men decreased gradually. The same trend can be noticed in 1993. When it comes to women, the highest percentage of women with full time job was 20-24 years age group (over 50%). Between 25 and 34 ages this proportion decreased steadily and reached 40% for 35-39 years old females. This trend was followed by an increase for 40-50 years age group; then it began to fall markedly. The trend was analogous to 1973 trend in 1993 too. The graphs about part-time job make it clear that the men from 15 to 19 prefer part-time job mostly and the percentage of them rose from 7% to 22% between 1973 and 1993. However, as the age grew the number of the males who work in part-time job decreased, except an increase for 60-64 years old. Females from 15 to 19 and from 35-39 ages worked in a part-time job mostly in 1993 (30%). However this figure constituted less for 15-19 years age group. To summarize, according to the graphs, it can be clearly seen that despite this span of 20 years all of the figures showed almost the same trends.
The line graphs reveal the quantity of males and females who work in full and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
employment in Australia during 1973 and 1993.

In 1973
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 80% of males from 20 to 59 worked in full time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
;
however
this figure for over 60
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
decreased
gradually
. The same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
can
be noticed
in 1993. When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to women, the highest percentage of women with full time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
was 20-24 years
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age
group (over 50%). Between 25 and 34
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ages
this proportion decreased
steadily
and reached 40% for 35-39 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
females. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
was followed
by an increase for 40-50 years
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age
group; then it began to fall
markedly
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
was analogous to 1973
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trend
in 1993 too.

The graphs about part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
from 15 to 19 prefer part-time
Possible agreement error. The noun 'job' seems to be countable, so consider using: "jobs".
job
mostly
and the percentage of them rose from 7% to 22% between 1973 and 1993.
However
, as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
grew the number of the males who work in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
decreased, except an increase for 60-64 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
. Females from 15 to 19 and from 35-39
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
worked in a part-time
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job
mostly
in 1993 (30%).
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
this figure constituted less for 15-19 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group.

To summarize
, according to the graphs, it can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that despite this span of 20 years
Consider using "all the".
all of the
figures
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
almost the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
.
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IELTS academic The line graphs reveal the quantity of males and females who work in full and part time employment in Australia during 1973 and 1993.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
234 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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