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The line graphs illustrate the proportion of men and women who were working in various employment areas of the Republic of Freedonia over a period of 20 years

The line graphs illustrate the proportion of men and women who were working in various employment areas of the Republic of Freedonia over a period of 20 years 3MPwm
The line graphs illustrate the proportion of men and women who were working in various employment areas of the Republic of Freedonia over a period of 20 years. The units have been measured in thousands. Overall, it is apparent from the graph that men outnumbered women in each employment sector in 1975, whereas in 1995, there was some progress, and more women got involved in different areas. Moreover, in two sectors women also outweigh men and in remaining four sectors there was some improvement as compared to the beginning of the period. With regards to the communications, finance/banking, wholesale & retail trade, and public sector (defence), there was a lot of improvement observed in the case of women in 1995 as compared to 1975. There was around 250 females and 300 males working in the communications sector in the year 1975, and after a period of 20 years, there was a drastic change, and women employees increased at about 590, while for men, it remains same. Moving towards finance/banking area there was considerable amount of increase observed for women workers, and it increased from 130 to 340, whereas for men, it showed no significant increase. More number of women begin to contribute to wholesale and retail trade arena in 1995 as opposed to 1975, and women workers increased from 430 to 800. Public sector (defence) also showed a slight increase in the number of female and male workers. On the other hand, manufacturing, and public sector(non-defence) sectors observed no change in the figures of male and female workers over the given period of time. Approximately 220 female and 640 male workers contributed to manufacturing in 1975, whereas around 620 women and 830 men workers were involved in public sector(non-defence), which remained same in the end of the period.
The line graphs illustrate the proportion of
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men
and
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women
who were working in various employment areas of the Republic of
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Freedonia
over a
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period
of 20 years. The units have
been measured
in thousands.

Overall
, it is apparent from the graph that
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men
outnumbered
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women
in each employment
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sector
in 1975, whereas in 1995, there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
progress, and more
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women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
involved in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas.
Moreover
, in two
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sectors
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women
also
outweigh
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men
and in remaining four
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sectors
there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
improvement as compared to the beginning of the period.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the communications, finance/banking, wholesale & retail trade, and
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public
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sector
(
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
), there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
improvement observed in the case of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in 1995 as compared to 1975. There was around 250
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females
and 300
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males
working in the communications
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sector
in the year 1975, and after a
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period
of 20 years, there was a drastic
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
employees increased at about 590, while for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, it remains same. Moving towards finance/banking area there was considerable amount of increase observed for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
, and it increased from 130 to 340, whereas for
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men
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
no significant increase. More number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to contribute to wholesale and retail trade arena in 1995 as opposed to 1975, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
increased from 430 to 800.
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Public
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sector
(
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
)
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a slight increase in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and male workers.

On the other hand
, manufacturing, and
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public
sector(
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
)
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
observed no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the figures of male and
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female
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workers
over the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
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period
of time. Approximately 220
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female
and 640 male
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workers
contributed to manufacturing in 1975, whereas around 620
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women
and 830
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
were involved
in
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public
sector(
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
), which remained same in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
period
.
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IELTS academic The line graphs illustrate the proportion of men and women who were working in various employment areas of the Republic of Freedonia over a period of 20 years

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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