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the line graph show how teenagers communicated with each other

the line graph show how teenagers communicated with each other YgJXr
The line graph shows how teens (ages 12 to 19) communicated with each other in one state in United States over the period between November 2006 to September 2009. Overall, the number of teenagers using Text Messages increased dramatically over the period. Calls on cell phones and Talk face-to-face showed an upward trend between November 2006 to September 2009. On the other hand, young people used Email to communicated with each other less than November 2006. As can be seen from the graph, in November 2006, teenagers using Text messages began around 29%, during almost 2 years, there was a slight increase before Text Messages experienced a constant rise in young people using with the percentage reaching the highest point of 55% in September 2009. The percentage of Calls on the cell phones accounted for 45% in November 2006 and went up minimally to 40% in September 2009. Similarly, between November 2006 to November 2007, the amount of Talk face-to-face rose slowly from 32% to 40% before the small downturn to 30% in Febuary 2008 and marginally increased inSeptember 2009. However, at the bottom position was the percentage of Email, at nearly 15% in November 2006. It showed an minimal upward trend during 1 years. After that, there was a moderately decline and hit a low point at 10% in September 2009.
The line graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how teens (ages 12 to 19) communicated with each other in one state
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the United States".
in United States
over the period between November 2006 to September 2009.

Overall
, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
using Text Messages increased
dramatically
over the period. Calls on cell phones and Talk face-to-face
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
an upward trend between November 2006 to September 2009.
On the other hand
, young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
Email to communicated with each other less than November 2006.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the graph, in November 2006,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
using Text messages began around 29%, during almost 2 years, there was a slight increase
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
Text Messages experienced a constant rise in young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
using with the percentage reaching the highest point of 55% in September 2009. The percentage of Calls on the cell phones accounted for 45% in November 2006 and went up
minimally
to 40% in September 2009.

Similarly
, between November 2006 to November 2007, the amount of Talk face-to-face rose
slowly
from 32% to 40%
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
downturn to 30% in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Febuary
2008 and
marginally
increased
Possible spelling mistake found.
inSeptember
2009.
However
, at the bottom position was the percentage of Email, at
nearly
15% in November 2006. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
minimal upward trend during 1 years. After that, there was a
You used an adverb ('moderately') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('decline') instead of another adjective.
moderately decline
and hit a low point at 10% in September 2009.

IELTS academic the line graph show how teenagers communicated with each other

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
222 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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