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The line graph compares the quantities of individuals who went to music concerts in different age brackets in one country from 2010 to 2015

The line graph compares the quantities of individuals who went to music concerts in different age brackets in one country from 2010 to 2015 JwngB
The line graph compares the quantities of individuals who went to music concerts in different age brackets in one country from 2010 to 2015 It is clear that the percentage of people in 4 age groups: 16-24, 25-44, 45-54, and older than 75 years old increases between 2014 and 2015. Furthermore, the age of citizens from 55 to 64 years old decreased over 2 year period. As can be seen from the graphs all the lines have the same starting figure in 2010. Over the period, the proportion of residents from 16 to 24 grew significantly approximately 30 percent between 2010 and 2015. However, 2 age groups as 75+ and 45-54 which was in flux over 5 years. The number of people in urban going to concerts from 45-54 dropped rapidly to 12 percent by 2011; however, the group age from 75 + surged dramatically from 10 to 20 percent of people who went to concerts in the country. In addition, it was changed in two groups from 2012 to 2015 such as between 45 and 54 increased but 75+ decreased. On the other hand, the age group from 55 to 64 ascended temporarily about 4 percent, reaching the highest point of 30 percent in 2013 before falling steadily from 2014 to 2015. However, between 25 and 44, the rate of people going to concerts declined sizably from 40% to 30% and hit allow of 29% in 2013 before increasing substantially over the next year
The line graph compares the quantities of individuals who went to music
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
brackets in one country from 2010 to 2015

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in 4
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
: 16-24, 25-44, 45-54, and older than 75 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
increases between 2014 and 2015.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of citizens from 55 to 64 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
decreased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
period.

“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the graphs all the lines have the same starting figure in 2010.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Over
the period, the proportion of residents from 16 to 24 grew
significantly
approximately 30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
between 2010 and 2015.
However
, 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
as 75+ and 45-54 which was in flux
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
5 years. The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in urban going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
from 45-54 dropped
rapidly
to 12
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
by 2011;
however
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
from 75 + surged
dramatically
from 10 to 20
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who went to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
in the country.
In addition
, it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
from 2012 to 2015 such as between 45 and 54 increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
75+ decreased.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
from 55 to 64 ascended
temporarily
about 4
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
, reaching the highest point of 30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
in 2013
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
falling
steadily
from 2014 to 2015.
However
, between 25 and 44, the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
concerts
declined
sizably
from 40% to 30% and hit
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
of 29% in 2013
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
increasing
substantially
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the
next
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
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IELTS academic The line graph compares the quantities of individuals who went to music concerts in different age brackets in one country from 2010 to 2015

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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