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The line graph compares the proportions of audiences who related to 5 diverse age groups participated in music concerts during 5 years from 2010.

The line graph compares the proportions of audiences who related to 5 diverse age groups participated in music concerts during 5 years from 2010. BaM6m
The line graph compares the proportions of audiences who related to 5 diverse age groups participated in music concerts during 5 years from 2010. It is clear from the graph that the figure for an adolescent group had highest percentage of concertgoers during 5 years. Additionally, while the volumes of most age groups had an upward tendency, the opposite was true for the percentage of people who fall into 55-64-year-old. In 2010, the rate of attendees who were 25-44 was highest, at over half, while the volume of spectators over the 75 age group was significantly lower, at only 10%. Meanwhile, 40% of concert-goers were made up by the youngest group. Similarly, the figure for the 45-54 age group also stood at 40%. In the next term 2011, after reaching a peak at 58%, the adolescent group raised gradually to 70% in 2015. At the same time, the volumes of the 45-54 age group and senior citizens group went up minimally and had a slight raise, the former from 40% to around 50%and the latter 20%. Finally, having remained stable at 50% in the 25-44 age group and 25% in the 55- 64 age group between 2011 and 2015.
The line graph compares the proportions of audiences who related to 5 diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
participated in music concerts during 5 years from 2010.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the graph that the figure for an adolescent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
had
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
percentage of concertgoers during 5 years.
Additionally
, while the volumes of most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
had an upward tendency, the opposite was true for the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who fall into 55-64-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

In 2010, the rate of attendees who were 25-44 was highest, at over half, while the volume of spectators over the 75
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
was
significantly
lower, at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10%. Meanwhile, 40% of concert-goers
were made
up by the youngest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
Similarly
, the figure for the 45-54
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
also
stood at 40%.

In the
next
term 2011, after reaching a peak at 58%, the adolescent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
raised
gradually
to 70% in 2015. At the same time, the volumes of the 45-54
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
and senior citizens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
went up
minimally
and had a slight raise, the former from 40% to around 50%and the latter 20%.
Finally
, having remained stable at 50% in the 25-44
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
and 25% in the
Consider using an n-dash (half dash), if you want to indicate numerical ranges or time ranges.
55- 64
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
between 2011 and 2015.
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IELTS academic The line graph compares the proportions of audiences who related to 5 diverse age groups participated in music concerts during 5 years from 2010.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
199 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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