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The line chart illustrates the labour force employment in economic industrial sectors during the period from 1930 to 2010 in USA. These five economic sectors include industrial sector, sales and office, farming and fishing and foresting, technical sector, and other services.

The line chart illustrates the labour force employment in economic industrial sectors during the period from 1930 to 2010 in USA. These five economic sectors include industrial sector, sales and office, farming and fishing and foresting, technical sector, and other services. 6xaJK
The line chart illustrates the labour force employment in economic industrial sectors during the period from 1930 to 2010 in USA. These five economic sectors include industrial sector, sales and office, farming and fishing and foresting, technical sector, and other services. The employment in the sector of farming, fishing and foresting played a less significant role during this 30 years. It had the highest percentage at the beginning, close to 80% in 1930, then gradually dropped to 60% in 1970, and after that, dramatically fell close to 1% in the end of the period. Before 1970,   the employment of three sectors ( technical, sales and office, and  industrial) presented with zig-zag trends, sitting between 0 to 15%. After 1970, the figure of these sectors presented upward trends. Industrial sector had a sharp increase until 2000 and then flatted out close to 40%, the highest percentage among the all sectors in 2010.  So did sale and office sector, but with low increase rate, about 35% in 2010, the third highest figure. The technical sector presented a sharp increase in the last 30 years with about 35% in 2020. The sector of other services increased at the beginning and peaked in 1940 with about 15%. Since then, it decreased gradually to about 10% in 1970 and flatted out until the end of the period. Allover, agricultural sector has played a less significant role in USA workforce market since 1930 and the two sectors (industrial and technical) have become more important daily with occupying about 30% individually.
The line chart illustrates the
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labour
force employment in economic
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industrial
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sectors
during the period from 1930 to 2010
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
. These five economic
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sectors
include
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industrial
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sector
, sales and office, farming and fishing and foresting,
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technical
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sector
, and other services.

The employment in the
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sector
of farming, fishing and foresting played a less significant role during this 30 years. It had the highest percentage at the beginning, close to 80% in 1930, then
gradually
dropped to 60% in 1970, and after that,
dramatically
fell close to 1% in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
1970,
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the employment of three
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sectors
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
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technical
, sales and office, and
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industrial)
presented with
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zig-zag
trends, sitting between 0 to 15%. After 1970, the figure of these
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sectors
presented upward trends.
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Industrial
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sector
had a sharp increase until 2000 and then flatted out close to 40%, the highest percentage among the all
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sectors
in 2010.  
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So
did sale and office
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sector
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with low increase rate, about 35% in 2010, the third highest figure. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technical
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sector
presented a sharp increase in the last 30 years with about 35% in 2020.

The
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sector
of other services increased at the beginning and peaked in 1940 with about 15%. Since then, it decreased
gradually
to about 10% in 1970 and flatted out until the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period.

Allover, agricultural
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sector
has played a less significant role in USA workforce market since 1930 and the two
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sectors
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(industrial
and
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technical)
have become more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
daily with occupying about 30%
individually
.
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IELTS academic The line chart illustrates the labour force employment in economic industrial sectors during the period from 1930 to 2010 in USA. These five economic sectors include industrial sector, sales and office, farming and fishing and foresting, technical sector, and other services.

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
250 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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