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“The level of participation in education and science”

“The level of participation in education and science” PLQLw
These charts mentioned “The level of participation in education and science” in developing and industrialized countries in 1980 and 1990. There are three charts named by “Average years of schooling”, “scientists and technicians per 1000 people” and “Spending on Research and Development”. In 1980, The industrialized countries ratio was higher than the developing countries because they had sufficient money to invested in education and science, they were set above 8 years of schooling due to they reached the ratio of among the overall per 1000 people were “ Scientists and technicians” because of this they were spending approximately 150 billion. On the other hand, developing countries had insufficient assets spend on education and science and they used to spend money on infrastructure and other amenities for society rather than education. In the year of 1980, they spend more than the year of 1990 on “Research and development” but the ratio of schooling years was much better than the previous year and also approximately 18 per 1000 people were scientists and technicians.
These charts mentioned “The level of participation in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and science” in developing and industrialized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
in 1980 and 1990. There are three charts named by “Average years of schooling”, “scientists and technicians per 1000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
” and “Spending on Research and Development”.

In 1980, The industrialized
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "countries'" or "country's"?
countries
ratio was higher than the developing
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countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they had sufficient money to invested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and science, they
were set
above 8 years of schooling due to they reached the ratio of among the
overall
per 1000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were
Don't put a space on both sides of a quote symbol
“
Scientists and technicians”
because of this
they were spending approximately 150 billion.

On the other hand
, developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
had insufficient assets spend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
and
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
science and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to spend money on infrastructure and other amenities for society
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of 1980, they spend more than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
of 1990 on “Research and development”
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the ratio of schooling years was much better than the previous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
and
also
approximately 18 per 1000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were scientists and technicians.
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IELTS academic “The level of participation in education and science”

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
171 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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