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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.

The bar chart depicts the information of men and women workers in Republic of Freedonia in 1975 for six different sectors. At a glance, the number of male employees were greater than female for all the industries. To begin with, non-defense public sector employed the largest number of employees at slightly above 600. 000 and 800. 000 for men and women respectively. These number was followed by the wholesale and retail trade industry at approximately 550. 000 and 550. 000 for each. A contrasting scene happened at manufacturing when the number of female workers halved the male. Moreover in the finance or banking, the former were only a quarter of the latter which accounted for just above 100. 000 and 400. 000. Finally, there were not a notable difference between those two in the communications sector. Nevertheless, in a defense public sector, the gap was quite high with only less than 10 for women compared with 220. 000 for men.
The bar chart depicts the information of
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men
and women workers in Republic of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
in 1975 for six
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
. At a glance, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male employees were greater than female for all the industries.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, non-defense public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
employed the largest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of employees at
slightly
above 600. 000 and 800. 000 for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women
respectively
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
was followed
by the wholesale and retail trade industry at approximately 550. 000 and 550. 000 for each. A contrasting scene happened at manufacturing when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of female workers halved the male.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
in the finance or banking, the former were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a quarter of the latter which accounted for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 100. 000 and 400. 000.
Finally
, there were not a notable difference between those two in the communications
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
.
Nevertheless
, in a defense public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, the gap was quite high with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
less than 10 for women compared with 220. 000 for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.
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IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown.

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
160 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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