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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown. You should write at least 150 words. Writing task 1

The illustration displays the number of men and women in year 1975 in different working environments in the Republic Of Freedonia. Firstly, taking the manufacturing sector, in which with more than a half of difference between both genders was made, 300 females and around 650 males were hired. Surprisingly, this difference hike-up to 4-times in the finance and banking field, where 100 women and 400 men were employed. In communication part, almost the same number of both the sex were employed (245 Females and 255 males). However, in wholesale and retail trade 530 girls and 700 boys were envolved. Moreover in public sector (non-defence), most of the women, that is 650 and similarly 850 boys were employed. In contrast only 10 of the females and 210 males were deployed in the public (defence) sector. Overall, least number of men workers were hired in public-defensive sector and most were in public non-defensive sector. While, least amount of female workers were employed in finance and banking and most of them were in public (non-defence) sector.
The illustration displays the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women in year 1975 in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
working environments in the Republic Of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
.

Firstly
, taking the manufacturing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, in which with more than a half of difference between both genders
was made
, 300
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
and around 650 males
were hired
.
Surprisingly
, this difference hike-up to 4-times in the finance and banking field, where 100 women and 400
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
. In communication part, almost the same number of both the sex were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
(245
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Females
and 255 males).

However
, in wholesale and retail trade 530 girls and 700 boys were
Possible spelling mistake found.
envolved
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
(
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
), most of the women,
that is
650 and
similarly
850 boys were
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employed
. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
contrast
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10 of the
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females
and 210 males
were deployed
in the
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public
(
Possible spelling mistake. ‘defence’ is British English.
defence
) sector.

Overall
,
A determiner is probably missing here: “the least”.
least
number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
workers
were hired
in public-defensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
and most were in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
non-defensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
. While,
A determiner is probably missing here: “the least”.
least
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
workers were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employed
in finance and banking and most of them were in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
(
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
)
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
.
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IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. Write a report for a university teacher describing the information shown. Writing task 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
173 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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