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The graph shows the percentile of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major University in 2012

The graph shows the percentile of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major University in 2012 OKqp
The vertical bar garph illustrates the Percentile of both sexes staff members across the different sectors of a major University in 2012 Overall, it is extrapolated that the. Highest percentage of men academic from engineering field whereas, maximum proportion of women involved into education faculty. It is Vivid from the bar garph, almost 85% male members were in engineering sector. However, approximately a fifth portion of opposite gender worked into similar sector. Nextly, in arts, education and medicine field women percentage was highest as compared to men which was recorded as 58%, 78% and 50% respectively. Moving further, both genders had almost similar percentage in business as well as science field. After that in law faculty, a two- fifth academic were female and on the other hand male percentage was more than female by a fifth. Interestingly, a similar percentile of staffs from both sexes were employed in the field of medicine in this university.
The vertical bar
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garph
illustrates the Percentile of both sexes staff members across the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
sectors of a major University in 2012

Overall
, it
is extrapolated
that
Did you forget something after 'the'?
the.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Highest".
Highest
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percentage
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
academic from engineering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
whereas, maximum proportion of women involved into education faculty. It is Vivid from the bar
Possible spelling mistake found.
garph
, almost 85% male members were in engineering sector.
However
, approximately a fifth portion of opposite gender worked into similar sector.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Nextly
, in arts, education and medicine
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
was highest as compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
which
was recorded
as 58%, 78% and 50%
respectively
. Moving
further
, both genders had almost similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
in business
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
. After that in law faculty, a two- fifth academic were female and
on the other hand
male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
was more than female by a fifth.
Interestingly
, a similar percentile of staffs from both sexes
were employed
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
field
of medicine in this university.
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IELTS academic The graph shows the percentile of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major University in 2012

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
155 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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