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the graph shows electronic gaming trends in South Korea in 2006

the graph shows electronic gaming trends in South Korea in 2006 VYq7m
the given bar charts illustrate information about proportion of categoes video games were played by south Korean gamer include all ages and sex in 2006. overall, the difference between male and female entertain by video games was dramatically high in age chart while type of games chart had role play type was the highest number of all. firstly, percentage of male game belong 10 to nearly 40 percent where as in 20 to 29 years old group the number was approximately 35 percent which the highest group even female in this group also highest, being 10 percent. because these people still young and under control of their parents so group under 12 years old and 13 to 19 had lower 20 percent, almost 10 percent for under 12 years old gamer and nearly 20 for 13 to 19. specially, the percent of adults over 30 year old was higher than child group who seen not interested in video game with 11 percent. however, number of female gamers had everage number lower than 10 percent which only half or equal one-third than male gamers because distinguish between men and women in Korean's tought so group under 12 was lower than 5 percent, 13 to 19 group was around 8 percent and final group (adult group) almost 2 percent. second chart show categoes video games being played in 2006, most of korean love to played roleplaying games hold highest rank type of games, 50 percent while action, simulation and strategy games were lower than 20, around 20 to 10 percent then others type seen 0. wrap it up, male south korean gamers played video role playing games a lot, specially group 20 to 29 while girls did not excited much in entertain themself in video games.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
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given
bar
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charts
illustrate information about proportion of
Possible spelling mistake found.
categoes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
played
by
Capitalize specific, well-defined geographical regions: "South Korean"
south Korean
gamer include all ages and sex in 2006.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
overall
, the difference between male and female entertain by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
was
dramatically
high in age
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chart
while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chart
had
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
role play
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type
was the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of all.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
firstly
, percentage of male game belong 10 to
nearly
40
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
Did you mean "whereas"?
where as
in 20 to 29 years
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old
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group
the
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number
was approximately 35
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percent
which the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
even female in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
also
highest, being 10
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percent
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
because
these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
still
young and under control of their parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
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group
under 12 years
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old
and 13 to 19 had lower 20
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percent
, almost 10
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percent
for under 12 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
gamer and
nearly
20 for 13 to 19.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
specially
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
of adults over 30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
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old
was higher than child
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group
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
not interested in
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video
game with 11
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percent
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
however
,
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number
of female gamers had
Possible spelling mistake found.
everage
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number
lower than 10
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percent
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
half or equal one-third than male gamers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
distinguish between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women in Korean'
Possible spelling mistake found.
s tought
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
under 12 was lower than 5
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percent
, 13 to 19
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group
was around 8
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percent
and final
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group
(adult
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group)
almost 2 percent.

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second
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chart
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show
Possible spelling mistake found.
categoes
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video
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games
being
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played
in 2006, most of
Possible spelling mistake found.
korean
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
played
Possible spelling mistake found.
roleplaying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
hold
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
rank
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, 50
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percent
while action, simulation and strategy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
were lower than 20, around 20 to 10
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percent
then others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
type
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
0.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
wrap
it up, male
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
south korean
gamers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
played
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
role playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
a lot,
specially
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group
20 to 29 while girls did not
The verb 'did' requires the base form of the verb: "excite"
excited
much in entertain
The term is non-standard and not widely accepted.
themself
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
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IELTS academic the graph shows electronic gaming trends in South Korea in 2006

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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Lexical Resource: 5.0
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Grammatical Range: 6.5
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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