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The graph illustrates the smoking rates in Someland between 1960 and 2000.

The graph illustrates the smoking rates in Someland between 1960 and 2000. BJ1d5
The graph illustrates the smoking rates in Someland between 1960 and 2000. Throughout the period, the rate of smoking in men have decreased while women has climbed to the similar number of people in 2000. First of all, there were 600, 000 men smoking in Someland in 1960, then the number has dropped by 100, 000 people in 1975. In the next ten years, the smoking rate has declined to 400, 000 people. By 2000, the number of smoking men has decreased to around 250, 000 people in 2000. In contrast, the rates of women who like smoking has grown within the 40 years. In 1960, only less than 100, 000 women who was smoking. However, it has increased by about 100, 000 people in five years. Although the rates was stable in the next five years, it has risen up to over 300, 000 people during 1970 to 1975. But, after 1975, the rate of smoking women started decreasing. In 2000, there were 200, 000 women who like to smoke. Overall, in 1960, there were more men than women that smoking in Someland. However, it has become almost the same number of people in 2000.
The graph illustrates the
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smoking
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rates
in
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Someland
between 1960 and 2000. Throughout the period, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of
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smoking
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
have decreased while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
has climbed to the similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in 2000.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, there were 600, 000
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men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
in 1960, then the
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number
has dropped by 100, 000
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people
in 1975. In the
next
ten years, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
has declined to 400, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. By 2000, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
has decreased to around 250, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in 2000.

In contrast
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
has grown within the 40 years. In 1960,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
less than 100, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
.
However
, it has increased by about 100, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in five years. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
was stable in the
next
five years, it has risen up to over 300, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
during 1970 to 1975.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, after 1975, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
decreasing. In 2000, there were 200, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who like to smoke.

Overall
, in 1960, there were more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
.
However
, it has become almost the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in 2000.
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IELTS academic The graph illustrates the smoking rates in Someland between 1960 and 2000.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
196 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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