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The graph below shows usual water usage (in millions of cubic meters) by industries in some countries in a year. v.2

The graph below shows usual water usage (in millions of cubic meters) by industries in some countries in a year. v. 2
The presented bar graph demonstrates the average use of water by industries in several countries every year. In general, the highest water usages could be seen in chemical industries while fuel industries spend the least water supply. Looking at the details, the chemical industry requires about 430 million of cubic meters of ground water and 240 million of cubic meters of public supply. This figure is accounted as almost twice higher than other industries, for instances, meal/beverages, metal and paper industry which spend only 110, 240, and 190 million cubic meters of ground water use respectively. Metal and paper industries utilise about 90 and 20 million of cubic meters of public supply respectively and they are reckoned as almost two and seven times lower than water usage quantity for the chemical industry. In contrast, fuel industry consumes the lowest amount of water. It only pertains a figure of 70 million of cubic meters of ground water, approximately 3 times lower than water usage for the chemical industry. Meanwhile, due to public supply, both fuel and textiles industries consume a very small amount of water which is 10 million of cubic meters, almost 24 times lower than water demand of the chemical industry.
The presented bar graph demonstrates the average
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
by
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industries
in several countries every year.
In general
, the highest
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water
usages could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in
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chemical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
while fuel
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industries
spend the least
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water
supply.

Looking at the
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details
, the
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chemical
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industry
requires about 430
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million
of cubic
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meters
of ground
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
and 240
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million
of cubic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meters
of public supply. This figure
is accounted
as almost twice higher than other
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industries
, for instances, meal/beverages, metal and paper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
which spend
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
110, 240, and 190
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million
cubic
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meters
of ground
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
respectively
. Metal and paper
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industries
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilise' is British English.
utilise
about 90 and 20
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million
of cubic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meters
of public supply
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
respectively and
they
are reckoned
as almost two and seven times lower than
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water
usage quantity for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chemical
industry.

In contrast
, fuel
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industry
consumes the lowest amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
pertains a figure of 70
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
of cubic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meters
of ground
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
, approximately 3 times lower than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
usage for the
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chemical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
. Meanwhile, due to public supply, both fuel and textiles
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industries
consume a
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very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
which is 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
million
of cubic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
meters
, almost 24 times lower than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
water
demand of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
chemical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS academic The graph below shows usual water usage (in millions of cubic meters) by industries in some countries in a year. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
202 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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