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the graph below shows heart attacks in USA.

the graph below shows heart attacks in USA. k6DPW
The bar graph illustrates the survey of the population suffered from heart attacks in different age groups. At a glance, as the age increases, the risk of heart related problems also increased. Firstly, in comparison to male, female were at low risk irrespective to age. People between age group 29-44 years were quit healthy compare to others. In these age, there were 123000 men and 3000 women suffered form heart problems. The people who are above 65 years were at more risk. However, highest number of heart attacks were seen in these age groups. There were 424000 male and 136 female who faced issue of heart in age group 45-64 years. To conclude, there were some factors such as gender which affect the risk of heart related problems.
The bar graph illustrates the survey of the population suffered from
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heart
attacks in
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different
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age
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groups
. At a glance, as the
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age
increases, the
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risk
of
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heart
related problems
also
increased.
Firstly
,
in comparison
to male, female were at low
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risk
irrespective to
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age
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
between
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age
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group
29-44 years
were quit
healthy compare to others. In these
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age
, there were 123000
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men
and 3000 women suffered form
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heart
problems. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are above 65 years were at more
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risk
.
However
,
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
number of
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heart
attacks were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in these
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
. There were 424000 male and 136 female who faced issue of
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heart
in
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
45-64 years.
To conclude
, there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
factors such as gender which affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
related problems.

IELTS academic the graph below shows heart attacks in USA.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
128 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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