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The graph shows the internet usage in Taiwan.

The graph shows the internet usage in Taiwan. XnXeO
The bar graph illustrates the survey of internet usage among different age groups in between 1998 -2000 years. At a glance, youngsters were more addicted to internet activities in compare to other groups. In 1998, internet activities were less popular amongst children less than 15 years and for older people, which is 2 percent and 4 percent respectively. Whereas the 53 percent people used Wi-fi which highest in all age groups. However, internet activities were almost same from 1998 to 2000 years in age group 31-50 years, which is 41, 39 and 37 percent accordingly. In year 1999 there was slight decline in internet usage among youngsters and there was increase in usage almost three time more in less than 15 year age group compare to previous year. There was no noticeable change in usage from 1999 to 2000 year among children and aged people, only 2 percent increase in activity in 50 or above population. To sum up, in older age people drastic change is seen usage activity from 1998 to 2000. In 1998, only 4 percent population use internet and in 2000 the proportion was increased by 6 percent.
The bar graph illustrates the survey of internet
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usage
among
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different
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age
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groups
in between 1998 -2000 years. At a glance, youngsters were more addicted to internet
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activities
in compare to other
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groups
. In 1998, internet
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activities
were less popular
Do not mix variants of the same word ('amongst' and 'among') within a single text.
amongst
children less than 15 years and for older
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people
, which is 2
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percent
and 4
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percent
respectively
.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
the 53
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percent
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people
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used
Possible spelling mistake found.
Wi-fi
which highest in all
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age
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groups
.
However
, internet
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activities
were almost same from 1998 to 2000 years in
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age
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group
31-50 years, which is 41, 39 and 37
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percent
accordingly
. In
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year
1999 there was slight decline in internet
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usage
among youngsters and there was increase in
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usage
almost three time more in less than 15
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year
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age
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group
Possible agreement error. The noun 'compare' seems to be countable, so consider using: "compares".
compare
to previous
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year
. There was no noticeable
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change
in
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usage
from 1999 to 2000
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year
among children and aged
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people
,
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only
2
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percent
increase in
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activity
in 50 or above population. To sum up, in older
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age
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people
drastic
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change
is
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seen
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usage
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activity
from 1998 to 2000. In 1998,
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only
4
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percent
population
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use
internet and in 2000 the proportion
was increased
by 6
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percent
.

IELTS academic The graph shows the internet usage in Taiwan.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
191 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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