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the graph below show the unemployment figures amongst women of different age groups

The figure illustrates the percentage of unemployment women on 8 age groups ranged between 18 and 65 years old. Overall, the figure shows the highest unemployment percentage is 20% for women aged 45 years. While the lowest percentage is nearly 4% for women age group ranged between 30 and 35 years. According to the line graph it shows that women age is 18 years old has unemployment rate of 15%, and this number significantly decreased to women 20 and 25 years old (10% and 5% respectively). Then this number slightly increases above 5% for women ranged between 25 and 30 before it goes down even lower than 5% to reach the bottom. The figure shows a rapid increase in the employment rate for age groups of 25 and 45 where it reaches to the peak point. Then dropped down suddenly to reach nearly 10% for age group 55. Lastly, It slightly increases above 10% for age 65.
The figure illustrates the percentage of unemployment
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women
on 8
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
ranged between 18 and 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

Overall
, the figure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the highest unemployment percentage is 20% for
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women
aged 45 years. While the lowest percentage is
nearly
4% for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
ranged between 30 and 35 years.

According to the line graph it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
is 18 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
has unemployment rate of 15%, and this number
significantly
decreased to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
20 and 25 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
(10% and 5%
respectively
). Then this number
slightly
increases above 5% for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
ranged between 25 and 30
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it goes down even lower than 5% to reach the bottom.

The figure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a rapid increase in the employment rate for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
of 25 and 45 where it reaches to the peak point. Then
This phrase is redundant. Consider using “dropped”.
dropped down
suddenly
to reach
nearly
10% for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
55.
Lastly
, It
slightly
increases above 10% for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
65.
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IELTS academic the graph below show the unemployment figures amongst women of different age groups

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
157 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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