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The given chart illustrates the proportion of different age segments in the population of one city that visited music concert in years between 2010 and 2015.

The given chart illustrates the proportion of different age segments in the population of one city that visited music concert in years between 2010 and 2015. rb1Q6
The given chart illustrates the proportion of different age segments in the population of one city that visited music concert in years between 2010 and 2015. The overall trend appears that the youngest group most actively got involved in the activity, if we exclude the first year, while the oldest group went less often compared to the rest. In 2010, 45-54 age segment was dominating the graph with around 52% followed by 16-24 with about 40%. However in the next year the leading party lost significant amount of its percentage and fell to 40% which helped the younger party to secure the first position with a massive elevation of 15%. After this incident both groups underwent consistent rise. A quite interesting inverse correlation could be seen from 25-44 and 55-64. The previously stated group started at 40%, however an arched dip between 2010 and 2013 resulted in approximately 30%. On the other hand, 55-64 experienced the exact opposite and rose steadily to the same 30% in 2013 to intersect with the other group. From then on they switched their trends therefore 25-44 and 55-64 reached around 22% and 48% respectively. 75% segment always stayed on the lowest side only reaching 22% at its peak points. I have no idea for the conclusion.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
chart illustrates the proportion of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
age segments in the population of one city that visited music concert in years between 2010 and 2015. The
overall
trend appears that the youngest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
most
actively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
involved in the activity, if we exclude the
first
year, while the oldest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
went less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
compared to the rest.

In 2010, 45-54 age segment was dominating the graph with around 52% followed by 16-24 with about 40%.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
in the
next
year the leading party lost significant amount of its percentage and fell to 40% which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
the younger party to secure the
first
position with a massive elevation of 15%. After this incident both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
underwent consistent rise.

A quite interesting inverse correlation could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from 25-44 and 55-64. The previously stated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
at 40%,
however
an arched dip between 2010 and 2013 resulted in approximately 30%.
On the other hand
, 55-64 experienced the exact opposite and rose
steadily
to the same 30% in 2013 to intersect with the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. From then on they switched their trends
therefore
25-44 and 55-64 reached around 22% and 48%
respectively
. 75% segment always stayed on the lowest side
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reaching 22% at its peak points.

I have no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
for the conclusion.
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IELTS academic The given chart illustrates the proportion of different age segments in the population of one city that visited music concert in years between 2010 and 2015.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
212 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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