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The given bar graph shows employment rate of six different countries in 1995 and 2005

The given bar graph shows employment rate of six different countries in 1995 and 2005 1o6qL
The rendered bar graph depicts the information about employment rates across 6 countries in the year 1995 and 2005. Overall, the employment rates rose atleast 10% in both the male and female across six countries. To commence with, In Australia the employment rates of male of the years 1995 surpassed the proportion of females in the year 2005 but was left behind by the ratio of males of the year 2005 which was 56%, 39% and 69% respectively. When compared the female employment ratio of the year 1995 Switzerland female (58%) ratio was almost two fold of women (27%) in Australia. The employment ratio of Iceland's female in the year 2005 tops the chart at 83%. Probing further, employment rates of male of the year 2005 in new zealand was on the par with U. S. A 's male of the year 2005 was recorded as 71% and 71% respectively. New zealand's male employment ratio rose to from the male ratio in the year 1995. New zealand's women employment ratio in the year 1995 wa found least across all the 6 countries as 25%.
The rendered bar graph depicts the information about
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employment
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rates
across 6 countries in the
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year
1995 and 2005.
Overall
, the
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employment
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rates
rose
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atleast
10% in both the male and
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female
across six countries. To commence with, In Australia the
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employment
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rates
of male of the years 1995 surpassed the proportion of
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females
in the
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year
2005
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
behind by the
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ratio
of
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males
of the
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year
2005 which was 56%, 39% and 69%
respectively
.
“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
compared the
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female
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employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of the
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year
1995 Switzerland
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female
(58%)
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ratio
was almost
The adjective or adverb 'twofold' needs to be written as one word.
two fold
of women (27%) in Australia. The
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employment
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ratio
of Iceland's
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female
in the
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year
2005 tops the chart at 83%. Probing
further
,
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employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
of male of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
2005 in
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
new zealand
was on the par with U. S. A 's male of the
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year
2005
was recorded
as 71% and 71%
respectively
.
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
New zealand
's male
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employment
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ratio
rose to from the male
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ratio
in the
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year
1995.
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
New zealand
's women
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employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1995
Possible spelling mistake found.
wa
found least across all the 6 countries as 25%.

IELTS academic The given bar graph shows employment rate of six different countries in 1995 and 2005

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
184 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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