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The given bar chart illustrates the figures of males and females attending different courses

The given bar chart illustrates the figures of males and females attending different courses such as Drama, painting, sculpture and language courses at an adult education center in 2009. The pie chart provides information on the ages of these people registered in these courses. overll, it can be clearly seen that the the women participants were much more than that men in all courses, exept one course. in addition, the biggest percentage was age group who 50 or over as the pie chart showed. Turning to the detail, there was contrastion in the numbers of men and women particularly in language course which its figure double of men, as also the drama course. Although the figure of women was higher, men’s number overpass them in secular course by the doubled. However, the most participants were from the oldest age, and the average was 26% from age group 40-49. Furthermore, aged under 20 was the least of proportion of people reigesterd in these evening courses.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar chart illustrates the figures of males and females attending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
such as Drama, painting, sculpture and language
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
at an adult education center in 2009. The pie chart provides information on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
registered in these courses.

overll, it can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the the women participants were much more than that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
, exept one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
.
in addition
, the biggest percentage was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group who 50 or over as the pie chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
.

Turning to the detail, there was contrastion in the numbers of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and women
particularly
in language
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
which its figure double of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, as
also
the drama
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
. Although the figure of women was higher,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men’s
number overpass them in secular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
course
by the doubled.

However
, the most participants were from the oldest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
, and the average was 26% from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group 40-49.
Furthermore
, aged under 20 was the least of proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
reigesterd in these evening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
courses
.

IELTS academic The given bar chart illustrates the figures of males and females attending different courses

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
164 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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