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the garphs abut post graduate and graduate student in uk

the garphs abut post graduate and graduate student in uk EdgPr
The bar charts depict information regading graduate and postgraduate students in Britain who did not opt for a full-time job after completing their course in 2008. To sum up, the number of graduates were more than postgraduates, who excludes the option of full-time work. It is clearly visible that further education is the preferred option among post-graduate students, accounting for approximately 17735. Whereas, voluntary work is done by the least students with 3500 only. However, the remaining students do part-time jobs or stay unemployed with 17735 and 18235 respectively. Furthermore, postgraduate students show a similar trend. Further study is also chosen by the majority of students with roughly 2725. voluntary work was around 345, substantially the lowest participation as compared to other types. Part-time work was nearly 2535, which is the second most opted choice. Unemployment after ratio was 10% less in post graduate students as compared to gradutes.
The bar charts depict information
Possible spelling mistake found.
regading
graduate and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
postgraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in Britain who did not opt for a full-time job after completing their course in 2008.

To sum up, the number of graduates were more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
postgraduates
, who excludes the option of full-time work.

It is
clearly
visible that
further
education is the preferred option among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
post-graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, accounting for approximately 17735.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, voluntary work
is done
by the least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with 3500
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
However
, the remaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
do part-time jobs or stay unemployed with 17735 and 18235
respectively
.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
postgraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
a similar trend.
Further
study is
also
chosen by the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with roughly 2725.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
voluntary
work was around 345,
substantially
the lowest participation as compared to other types. Part-time work was
nearly
2535, which is the second most opted choice. Unemployment after ratio was 10% less in post graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
as compared to
Possible spelling mistake found.
gradutes
.
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IELTS academic the garphs abut post graduate and graduate student in uk

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
149 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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