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The diagram illustrates the proportion of sportsmen and women who belonged to various age categories in Australia in 2010.

The diagram illustrates the proportion of sportsmen and women who belonged to various age categories in Australia in 2010. NRg0
The diagram illustrates the proportion of sportsmen and women who belonged to various age categories in Australia in 2010. Overall, female sport lovers dominated men engaged in physical activity in almost all age groups, except the youngest one. The proportion of the male from the youngest age category, accounting for 52. 8 per cent, was slightly higher than that of the female who kept fit in the same age group, whereas sportsmen’s share for between 25 and 34 age group was fairly lower than women from identical category. 35 to 44 age group demonstrated the largest variation in the percentage of the male and female playing sport regularly. The proportion of women who were from 45 to 54 made up in the vicinity of 43 per cent. Moreover, as the female doing sport got older, the patterns increased with 45. 1 per cent and 46. 7 per cent for senior and the oldest generation respectively. However, the percentages of sportsmen from 45 to 54 and 55 to 64 age column were the same virtually, consisting of 53 per cent each. The oldest age group showed the smallest variation in the patterns of men and women who usually were in good condition.
The diagram illustrates the proportion of sportsmen and
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women
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who
belonged to various
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age
categories in Australia in 2010.

Overall
,
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female
sport lovers dominated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
engaged in physical activity in almost all
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age
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groups
, except the youngest one.

The proportion of the male from the youngest
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age
category, accounting for 52. 8 per cent, was
slightly
higher than that of the
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
fit in the same
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age
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group
, whereas sportsmen’s share for between 25 and 34
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age
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group
was
fairly
lower than
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women
from identical category. 35 to 44
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age
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group
demonstrated the largest variation in the percentage of the male and
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female
playing sport
regularly
. The proportion of
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women
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who
were from 45 to 54 made up in the vicinity of 43 per cent.
Moreover
, as the
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female
doing sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
older, the patterns increased with 45. 1 per cent and 46. 7 per cent for senior and the oldest generation
respectively
.
However
, the percentages of sportsmen from 45 to 54 and 55 to 64
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age
Possible agreement error. The noun 'column' seems to be countable, so consider using: "columns".
column
were the same
virtually
, consisting of 53 per cent each. The oldest
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age
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group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the smallest variation in the patterns of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and
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women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
usually
were in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
condition.
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I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations.
Samuel Johnson

IELTS academic The diagram illustrates the proportion of sportsmen and women who belonged to various age categories in Australia in 2010.

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
201 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 6.5
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    Present relevant ideas
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