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The diagram below shows the life cycle of the salmon

The diagram below shows the life cycle of the salmon r7KL
The illustration above shows the life process of a salmon. Namely, the life span has seven stages. First of all, a salmon lays its eggs in fresh water which takes about ninety days to hatch. Eventually, the alevins are born and they feed on the yolk sad over a period of weeks. Within the next couple of weeks the alevin becomes a fry. Basically, a fry is around 5 to 10 weeks old, and is able to swim. When a fry is several months old, or is referred to as a parr. Parrs start to develop stripes which resemble to 'finger' markings. In general, between the ages of 1 to 4 years old, it transitions to a smolt. Smolts prepare to go out to the saltwater into groups. Meanwhile, the adults spend app 1 to 8 years in the seawater. Lastly, it becomes a spawning adult where it spawns in the fresh water and expires within a span of two weeks.
The illustration above
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
the life process of a salmon.
Namely
, the life span has seven stages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, a salmon lays its eggs in fresh water which takes about ninety days to hatch.
Eventually
, the
Possible spelling mistake found.
alevins
are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
born and
they feed on the yolk sad over a period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weeks
. Within the
next
couple of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weeks
the
Possible spelling mistake found.
alevin
becomes a fry.
Basically
, a fry is around 5 to 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weeks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, and is able to swim. When a fry is several months
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, or
is referred
to as a
Possible spelling mistake found.
parr
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Parrs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to develop stripes which resemble to 'finger' markings.

In general
, between the ages of 1 to 4 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, it transitions to a
Possible spelling mistake found.
smolt
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Smolts
prepare to go out to the saltwater into groups. Meanwhile, the adults spend app 1 to 8 years in the seawater.
Lastly
, it becomes a spawning adult where it spawns in the fresh water and expires within a span of two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weeks
.
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IELTS academic The diagram below shows the life cycle of the salmon

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
161 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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