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The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening.)

The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening. ) Dlolj
The bar graph represents the daily activities such as homework, childcare, and gardening. The average unpaid work done by the people per week is in three different categories. Generally, married women having 3 or more children have to work more on an average than the other 2 categories whilst, it is completely opposite for married man having 3+ children tend to work less. Beginning with the married man and women having no children spent 30 and 18 hours respectively. The major rise comes when the men and women have 1-2 kids, women work for more than 50+ hours a week whilst, married men still work the same as men without children. Meanwhile, married women having more than 3 kids works for 60hours a week, whilst for married men, it drops to 16 hours. Hence it is clear that women have to work more when they have children and married men still not even working for 20 hours a week.
The bar graph represents the daily activities such as homework, childcare, and gardening. The average unpaid
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work
done by the
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people
per
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week
is in three
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different
categories.

Generally
, married
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women
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having
3 or more
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children
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have to
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work
more on an average than the other 2 categories whilst, it is completely opposite for married
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man
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having
3+
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children
tend to
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work
less.

Beginning with the married
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
and
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women
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having
no
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children
spent 30 and 18
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hours
respectively
. The major rise
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comes
when the
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men
and
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women
have 1-2 kids,
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women
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work
for more than 50+
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hours
a
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week
whilst, married
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men
still
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work
the same as
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men
without children.

Meanwhile, married
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women
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having
more than 3 kids works for
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60hours
a
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week
, whilst for married
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men
, it drops to 16
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hours
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
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women
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have to
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work
more when they have
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children
and married
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men
still
not even working for 20
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hours
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
week
.
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IELTS academic The diagram below shows the average hours of unpaid work per week done by people in different categories. (Unpaid work refers to such activities as childcare in the home, housework and gardening. )

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
159 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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