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The diagram below internet use at Redwood Secondary School by sex from 1995 to 2002. Describe the information presented below, comparing results for boys and girls in the categories shown.

The diagram below internet use at Redwood Secondary School by sex from 1995 to 2002. Describe the information presented below, comparing results for boys and girls in the categories shown. e3Kdx
The given bar graph compares two series of data that is the numbers of boys and girls using the Internet at Redwood Secondary School from 1995 to 2002. Overall, it can be seen that the number of boys using internet facility at Redwood Secondary School was drastically increasing throughout the given years. According to the given illustration, in the year 2001 usage of the internet were maximum by boys(approx 325). In the same year, data use by girl students (about 310) was less than boys. Whereas about 330 girl students used data facility at school which is highest in the year 2002. For boys the figures is slightly decreased from the given last year(approx 320). Data usage by both sexes were least in the year 1995, for boys it is about 110 students and for girls about 80 students. Interestingly, it can be observed that in the remaining years data number of boy students for internet usage were steadily increasing from the year 1996-2000. That is in a range of above 170-305 students. As for girls given data is fluctuating between the year 1996-2000. There is rise from 170, 225, 300 students from 1996-1998. Whereas in 1999 number of students using internet facility gown down to 290. And in 2000 it again jump up to 320 girl students.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar graph compares two series of
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data
that is
the
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numbers
of
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boys
and
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girls
using the Internet at Redwood Secondary School from 1995 to 2002.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
using internet facility at Redwood Secondary School was
drastically
increasing throughout the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
years.

According to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustration, in the
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year
2001 usage of the internet were maximum by boys(approx 325). In the same
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year
,
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data
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
by
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girl
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
(about 310) was less than boys.

“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
about 330
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girl
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
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data
facility at school which is highest in the
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year
2002.

For
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boys
the figures is
slightly
decreased from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
last year(approx
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
320). Data
usage by both sexes were least in the
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year
1995, for
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boys
it is about 110
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students
and for
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girls
about 80 students.

Interestingly
, it can
be observed
that in the remaining
Apostrophe might be missing. Did you mean "years'" or "year's"?
years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
data
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
for internet usage were
steadily
increasing from the
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year
1996-2000.
That is
in a range of above 170-305 students.

“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
for
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girls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
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data
is fluctuating between the
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year
1996-2000. There is rise from 170, 225, 300
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students
from 1996-1998.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
in 1999
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
using internet facility gown down to 290. And in 2000 it again
Did you mean "jumps"?
jump
up to 320
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girl
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
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IELTS academic The diagram below internet use at Redwood Secondary School by sex from 1995 to 2002. Describe the information presented below, comparing results for boys and girls in the categories shown.

Academic
  American English
8 paragraphs
218 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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