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The charts show the sales of different types of devices from Jan-Jun,2008

The charts show the sales of different types of devices from Jan-Jun, 2008 rLbGN
The line graph presents the amount of three different types of personal computers sold from January to June in 2008. It can be seen that the market trends were dramatically different during the studied time. Overall, The demand for desktops decreased while the sale of laptops and tablets increased throughout the period. In January, about 80 desktops were sold, took the most popular product in the first month of the year. The figure for laptops and tablets consumption stood at around one half of that amount. A considerable decrease to 25 units was witnessed in the number of desktops sold in March. Meanwhile, the need for tablets and laptops started to increase substantially from February. Laptops and tablets consumption increased until April while desktops sales decreased significantly to June. There was a substantial growth of 60 products in the number of tablet users in June 2008. The number of Laptop users declined slightly to around 38 devices in May before experiencing a sharp increase to 55 machines in June 2008.
The line graph presents the amount of three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
types of personal computers sold from January to June in 2008.

It can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the market trends were
dramatically
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
during the studied time.
Overall
,

The demand for desktops decreased while the sale of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
and tablets increased throughout the period.

In January, about 80 desktops
were sold
, took the most popular product in the
first
month of the year. The figure for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
and tablets consumption stood at around one half of that amount. A considerable decrease to 25 units
was witnessed
in the number of desktops sold in March. Meanwhile, the need for tablets and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
laptops
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to increase
substantially
from February.

Laptops and tablets consumption increased until April while desktops sales decreased
significantly
to June. There was a substantial growth of 60 products in the number of tablet users in June 2008. The number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Laptop
users declined
slightly
to around 38 devices in May
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
experiencing a sharp increase to 55 machines in June 2008.
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IELTS academic The charts show the sales of different types of devices from Jan-Jun, 2008

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
170 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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