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the chart show how young people In Tokyo

the chart show how young people In Tokyo joKaL
The information provided in the table is concerning the proportion of people who listened to music by four different devices over the last month and the pie chart indicates a report that people preferred live or recorded music. Overall, it can be seen clearly that the vast majority of male were MP3-players while the female was attracted by live music. Furthermore, almost all people were passionate about live music. In terms of the table, the female accounted for the highest number of MP3-players at 79% which is more than two times that of female. Meanwhile, the live music was popular both among sexes, to be precise, the massive 44% of female and the male stood at 60% which just ranked later MP3. Nevertheless, slightly more male than female interested in the internet, the percentage using the internet was over a half on male, despite making up 42% of female. Besides, the least of invention among both sexes were CDs which roughly had a nearly equal percentage from male and female at 19% and 22%, correspondingly. According to the pie chart, the hefty majority (over two-thirds) of people who were big fans of live music, followed by 26% of people who were keen on record music, finally, the tiny minority belonged to people who had no idea.
The information provided in the table
The verb 'concerning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
is concerning
the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
listened to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
by four
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
devices over the last month and the pie chart indicates a report that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
preferred
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
or recorded music.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
clearly
that the vast majority of male were MP3-players while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
was attracted
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Furthermore
, almost all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were passionate about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
music.

In terms of the table, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
accounted for the highest number of MP3-players at 79% which is more than two times that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
. Meanwhile, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
was popular both among sexes, to be precise, the massive 44% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
and the male stood at 60% which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
ranked later MP3.
Nevertheless
,
slightly
more male than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
interested
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the internet".
in the internet
, the percentage using the internet was over a half on male, despite making up 42% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
.
Besides
, the least of invention among both sexes were CDs which roughly had a
nearly
equal percentage from male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
at 19% and 22%,
correspondingly
.

According to the pie chart, the hefty majority (over two-thirds) of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
fans of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, followed by 26% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
were keen on record
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
finally
, the tiny minority belonged to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
had no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

IELTS academic the chart show how young people In Tokyo

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
216 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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