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the chart gives information about the number of visitors to three art galleries

the chart gives information about the number of visitors to three art galleries MBG5e
The graph illustrates the proportion of people who visited gallery a, b and c from 1990 to 2010. overall, the number of people who visited gallery B decreased significantly, where as that of gallery A and C saw a marginal rise in two years. It has been observed that, gallery A accounted for the most popular gallery among three art galleries. Furthermore the amount of visitors for galleries B and C were the same at approximately 14. In 1990, the figure for visitors in gallery B peaked at just over 20. By contrast in 2010 visitors were not interested in visiting gallery B so the proportion decreased by well over 16 and stood at well over 5 thousands.
The graph illustrates the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who visited
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gallery
a, b and c from 1990 to 2010.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
overall
, the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who visited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gallery
B decreased
significantly
,
Did you mean "whereas"?
where as
that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gallery
A and C
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a marginal rise in two years.

It has
been observed
that,
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gallery
A accounted for the most popular
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gallery
among three art
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galleries
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Furthermore
the amount of visitors for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
B and C were the same at approximately 14.

In 1990, the figure for visitors in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gallery
B peaked at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over 20. By contrast in 2010 visitors were not interested in visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gallery
B
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the proportion decreased by well over 16 and stood at well over 5 thousands.
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IELTS academic the chart gives information about the number of visitors to three art galleries

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
118 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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