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The chart demonstrates the obesity rates between men and women in Australia over the years of 1980 to 2010.

The chart demonstrates the obesity rates between men and women in Australia over the years of 1980 to 2010. WY9Ae
The chart demonstrates the obesity rates between men and women in Australia over the years of 1980 to 2010. Overall, females have been in the lower part of the spectrum in all of the period. While men have been on the higher percentage of the chart. Women had over 30% in the 1980’s and have seen an increase to 45 per cent over the next 10 years. Moreover, that percent rose again in 2000’s to be slightly higher than 50%. However, that percentage stayed the same in 2010. Males have had higher obesity levels in all over the chart. Making up 40% in start of the period and increasing by 8% in the next ten years. Furthermore, it reached its highest levels in the 2000’s, reaching the percentage of 65, which is an increase by 12% than the 2000’s. At the end of the period it fell to slightly be higher than 60%.
The chart demonstrates the obesity rates between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women in Australia
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the years of 1980 to 2010.

Overall
, females have been in the lower part of the spectrum in
Consider using "all the".
all of the
period.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
have been on the higher percentage of the chart.

Women had
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
30% in the
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "1980s".
1980’s
and have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
an increase to 45 per cent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the
next
10 years.
Moreover
, that percent rose again
The article is probably missing here: "in the 2000’s".
in 2000’s
to be
slightly
higher than 50%.
However
, that percentage stayed the same in 2010.

Males have had higher obesity levels in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
the chart. Making up 40% in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
of the period and increasing by 8% in the
next
ten years.
Furthermore
, it reached its highest levels in the
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "2000s".
2000’s
, reaching the percentage of 65, which is an increase by 12% than the
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "2000s".
2000’s
. At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period it fell to
slightly
be higher than 60%.
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IELTS academic The chart demonstrates the obesity rates between men and women in Australia over the years of 1980 to 2010.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
153 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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