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the chart below shows the development of new Islip town centre

the chart below shows the development of new Islip town centre pJY5D
The two maps of the center of the towns of Islio give information about the city currently and in the future. Overall, a lot of modifications can be observed during the forecast development. First of all, according to the current map the center is close to a country side. A main road deserves houses, a school, several shops and park. Looking more closely at the map predicting the future development of the city, a lot of modifications can be observed. The size of the center will increase in an oval shape. Therefore the countryside will disappear. Moreover, the single road will be replaced by a bigger dual carriageway. A pedestrian way will deserve the central area. New houses will be built with new facilities such as bus station and parking. The shops will be grouped in a shopping mall. The next point is the garden area which will be smaller. As the city will have more people the school will be bigger. To sum up, between the actual map of Islip town center and the future planned development, a lot of modifications are predicted. On the one hand the city will be bigger with more facilities. On the other hand the park will be reduced and the country side will disappear. The city will have changed a great deal.
The two
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
maps
of the center of the towns of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Islio
give information about the city
currently
and in the future.
Overall
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
modifications can
be observed
during the forecast development.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, according to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
map
the center is close to a country side. A main road deserves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
, a school, several shops and park.

Looking more
closely
at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
map
predicting the future development of the city,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
modifications can
be observed
. The size of the center will increase in an oval shape.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
the countryside will disappear.
Moreover
, the single road will
be replaced
by a bigger dual carriageway. A pedestrian way will deserve the central area. New
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
will
be built
with new facilities such as bus station and parking. The shops will
be grouped
in a shopping mall. The
next
point is the garden area which will be smaller.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
the city will have more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
the school will be bigger.

To sum up, between the actual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
map
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Islip
town center and the future planned development,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
modifications
are predicted
. On the one hand the city will be bigger with more facilities.
On the other hand
the park will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
and the country side will disappear. The city will have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
a great deal.
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IELTS academic the chart below shows the development of new Islip town centre

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
219 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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