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The chart below show figures for attendence care department in norther irland by age group in 16december and 17december.

The chart below show figures for attendence care department in norther irland by age group in 16december and 17december. 0AYx9
The bar chart depicts that information about the attendance of people at hospital emergency care department in Northern irland by 6 age groups and tbe period taken into consideration is december 2016 to december 2017. A glance at picture apparently delineates that above 75 age group mostly visited at hospital and lower level of children went to hospital of age group 5 to 15. Moving into details, the age group 16 to 14 and 45 to 64, In december 2016, around 30thousands population attended at emergency department and In december 2017, the ratio inclined slightly which was more than 30, 000 population. coming towards age category of 5 to 15, In december 2016, the population was about 20, 000 and In year 2017, there was no any significant changes occured. Moving into rest of details, the childrens under 5, In year december 2016, more than 50 thousands population of childrens went to hospital. However, In year 2017, the ratio went up and reached at 55, 000 whereas the masses above than 60, 000 visited to emergency care department in 2016 and In year 2017, the figures grew which was 65, 000 population present at moment on the other hand, the age group 65 to 74, In year 2016 and 2017, only 25, 000 attended at hospital.
The bar chart depicts that information about the attendance of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
at
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hospital
emergency care department in Northern
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irland
by 6
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age
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groups
and
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tbe
period taken into consideration is
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december
2016 to
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december
2017.

A glance at picture
apparently
delineates that above 75
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age
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group
mostly
visited at
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hospital
and lower level of children went to
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hospital
of
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
5 to 15.

Moving into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, the
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age
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group
16 to 14 and 45 to 64, In
Possible spelling mistake found.
december
2016, around 30thousands
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population
attended at emergency department and In
Possible spelling mistake found.
december
2017, the ratio inclined
slightly
which was more than 30, 000
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population
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
coming
towards
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age
category of 5 to 15, In
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december
2016, the
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population
was about 20, 000 and In
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year
2017, there was
Did you mean "now" (=at this moment) instead of 'no' (negation)?
no
any significant
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changes
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occured
.

Moving into rest of
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details
, the
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childrens under
5, In
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year
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december
2016, more than 50 thousands
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population
of
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childrens
went to
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hospital
.
However
, In
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year
2017, the ratio went up and reached at 55, 000 whereas the masses
Use "(above)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
above
than 60, 000 visited to emergency care department in 2016 and In
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year
2017, the figures grew which was 65, 000
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population
present at moment
on the other hand
, the
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age
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group
65 to 74, In
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year
2016 and 2017,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
25, 000 attended at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hospital
.
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IELTS academic The chart below show figures for attendence care department in norther irland by age group in 16december and 17december.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
216 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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