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The chart below shoes amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status

The chart below shoes amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status P8oJ
The bar chart compare the amount of weekly free time spent by men and women in five different categories of employment status, between 1989 and 1990. The units are measured in hours. Overall, it can be clearly seen that males enjoyed more leisure hours than females in almost every categories except for employed part-time and housewives which there are no men including in these employment status. First if all, full-time employed leisure time consisted more men than women, which were 45 and 38, respectively. Furthermore, the figures for males' free time also surpassed females in unemployed and retired which both stood at 85 for both types. On the other hand, unemployed and retired women both spent just under 80 for their free time. Interestingly, both males and females who enjoyed most free time were unemployed and retired. Obviously, only females were housewives and part-time employed which enjoyed their leisure time by 55 and 40, respectively.
The bar chart compare the amount of weekly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women in five
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
categories of employment status, between 1989 and 1990. The units
are measured
in hours.
Overall
, it can be
clearly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that males enjoyed more leisure hours than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in almost every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "category"?
categories
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
except for
employed part-time and housewives which there are no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
including in
Did you mean "this employment" or "these employments"?
these employment
status.

First
if all, full-time employed leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
consisted more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
than women, which were 45 and 38,
respectively
.
Furthermore
, the figures for males'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
also
surpassed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in unemployed and retired which both stood at 85 for both types.
On the other hand
, unemployed and retired women both spent
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
under 80 for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Interestingly
, both males and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
who enjoyed most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
were unemployed
and retired.

Obviously
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
were housewives and part-time employed which enjoyed their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by 55 and 40,
respectively
.
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IELTS academic The chart below shoes amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
155 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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