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The bar graphs show the distribution of employment among agriculture manufacturing industry and services in 3 countries in 1980 and 2020

The bar graphs show the distribution of employment among agriculture manufacturing industry and services in 3 countries in 1980 and 2020 n6eDo
The bar graph depicts the information about in 1980 and 2020 three countries are distributed the work into different sectors such as agriculture, services, and industries. To begin with, in the country A and country C service sector employment obtains the highest ratio in both years. In 1980, nation A got the above 40% ratio and nation C got the 60% ratio but in 2020 country A and C got the 50% and 80% respectively. On the other hand, country B has the lowest position in the service field in both years. Industry and agriculture both have extremely low ratios rather than the services sectors. Country B, however, obtains over 60% in the agriculture sector in the year 1980 but in the next year agriculture sector also come downside. Moreover, the distribution of employment in the agriculture sector is just 1% in 1980, it is the lowest value among the whole sectors. The ratio also obtains in 2020 by country C. Country B is got the highest position of employment in agriculture with the ratio of 60%. To conclude, the lowest employment distributes in the agriculture sector rather than other two sectors. Industry and services both get high employment. The first country obtains the highest ratio in services and the last country got the highest position in industry sector.
The bar graph depicts the information about in 1980 and 2020 three
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countries
are distributed
the work into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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sectors
such as
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agriculture
,
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services
, and industries.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in the
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country
A and
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country
C
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service
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
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obtains
the highest
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ratio
in both years. In 1980, nation A
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got
the above 40%
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ratio
and nation C
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got
the 60%
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ratio
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in 2020
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country
A and C
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got
the 50% and 80%
respectively
.
On the other hand
,
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country
B has the lowest position in the
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service
field in both years. Industry and
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agriculture
both have
extremely
low
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ratios
rather
than the
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services
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
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Country
B,
however
,
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obtains
over 60% in the
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agriculture
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sector
in the
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year
1980
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but
in the
next
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year
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agriculture
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sector
also
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come
downside.

Moreover
, the distribution of
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employment
in the
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agriculture
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sector
is
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just
1% in 1980, it is the lowest value among the whole
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sectors
. The
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ratio
also
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obtains
in 2020 by
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country
C.
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Country
B is
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got
the highest position of
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employment
in
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agriculture
with the
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ratio
of 60%.

To conclude
, the lowest
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employment
distributes in the
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agriculture
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sector
rather
than other two
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sectors
. Industry and
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services
both
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get
high
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employment
. The
first
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country
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obtains
the highest
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ratio
in
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services
and the last
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country
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
got
the highest position in industry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
.
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IELTS academic The bar graphs show the distribution of employment among agriculture manufacturing industry and services in 3 countries in 1980 and 2020

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
219 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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