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the bar graph shows the physical activity done by Australian men and women in different age group

the bar graph shows the physical activity done by Australian men and women in different age group AgeaN
The bar chart depicts the proportion of Australian men and women of different age groups who did physical activity regularly in the year 2010. Overall, it can be seen that women of all age groups except those in the 15-24 age group were physically more active than men. In 2010, 52. 8% of men in the 15-24 age group did physical activity regularly. During the same year, the percentage of physically active women was 47. 7%. The proportion of physically active men gradually decreased as the age increased. The least physically active men were those in the 35 to 44 age group. Only 39. 5% of them exercised regularly in 2010. By contrast, women in the higher age groups were more physically active than those in the lower age groups. The least physically active among them were those in the 65 plus age group. Actually, among this age group the proportion of men and women who did exercise on a daily basis was more or less the same.
The bar chart depicts the proportion of Australian
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men
and
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women
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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age
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groups
who did physical activity
regularly
in the year 2010.

Overall
, it can be
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seen
that
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women
of all
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age
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groups
except those in the 15-24
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age
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group
were
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physically
more
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active
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

In 2010, 52. 8% of
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men
in the 15-24
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
did physical activity
regularly
. During the same year, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
was 47. 7%. The proportion of
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physically
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active
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men
gradually
decreased as the
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age
increased. The least
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physically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
were those in the 35 to 44
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age
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group
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
39. 5% of them exercised
regularly
in 2010.

By contrast,
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women
in the higher
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
were more
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physically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
active
than those in the lower
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
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groups
. The least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physically
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
active
among them were those in the 65 plus
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
. Actually, among this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who did exercise on a daily basis was more or less the same.
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IELTS academic the bar graph shows the physical activity done by Australian men and women in different age group

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
168 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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