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The bar graph shows employed in in one part of Australia in year 2001 and 2008.

The bar graph shows employed in in one part of Australia in year 2001 and 2008. 06213
The rendered bar graph illustrates the information about individuals did jobs in various workplaces in city of Australia between 2001 and 2008. The data is calibrated in numbers. Overall, at the first glance numerical of working people in sales department touched the highest point; whereas, it was collapsed in farming during both years. On scrutinizing the graph it is witnessed that in 2008 the number of employed masses through sales sector were hit the peak around one lakh ninty thousand. while, it was concerned above 1 lakh by computing full, in Australia, accounting department experience minimal fall at 80, 000, according to figure workers decrease sharply showed the count of 70, 000 collectively in nursing and farming sectors in second year. Furthermore, in the initial year masses involved in working were escalated sharply at 1, 80, 000. However, they were plummeted slightly at 1 lakh in computing sector. The individuals those working were 80, 000, nearly 50, 000 and twenty thousand in accounting, nursing and farming sector respectively, in farming they hit the bottom just above 20, 000.
The rendered bar graph illustrates the information about individuals did
The verb 'did' requires the base form of the verb: "job"
jobs
in various workplaces in city of Australia between 2001 and 2008. The data
is calibrated
in numbers.

Overall
, at the
first
glance numerical of working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in sales department touched the highest point; whereas, it
was collapsed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
during both years.

On scrutinizing the graph it
is witnessed
that in 2008 the number of employed masses through sales
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
were hit
the peak around one lakh
Possible spelling mistake found.
ninty
thousand.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
while
, it
was concerned
above 1 lakh by computing full, in Australia, accounting department experience minimal fall at 80, 000, according to figure workers decrease
sharply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the count of 70, 000
collectively
in nursing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in second year.

Furthermore
, in the initial year masses involved in working
were escalated
sharply
at 1, 80, 000.
However
, they
were plummeted
slightly
at 1 lakh in computing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
. The individuals those working were 80, 000,
nearly
50, 000 and twenty thousand in accounting, nursing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
respectively
, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
farming
they hit the bottom
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 20, 000.

IELTS academic The bar graph shows employed in in one part of Australia in year 2001 and 2008.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
178 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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