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The bar graph illustrated the amount of male and female that participated in the Olympics starting with 1924 and ended with 2012, while the line graph showed the overview of all participants during the same time period.

The bar graph illustrated the amount of male and female that participated in the Olympics starting with 1924 and ended with 2012, while the line graph showed the overview of all participants during the same time period. In general, the number of participants was steadily increased without any drop. To started off, the number of both male and female were increased continuously. However, there was a noticeable different between the number of male and female. In 1924, the number of male raised to 3000 while the number of female only remained lower than a thousand. This trend continued until 2012 where the number of female reached almost 5000 while the amount of male was about 6000. Moving on, The line graph depicted the rise of overall participants of the Olympic, which begun at about 4000 people in 1924 to above 10 000 in 2012. Further more, there was also a noticeable leap during the year 2012 in contrast with the past year that depicted with a steady rise.
The bar graph illustrated the amount of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
that participated in

the Olympics starting with 1924 and ended with 2012, while the line graph

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the overview of all participants during the same time period. In

general, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of participants was
steadily
increased without any drop.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
off, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of both male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
were increased


continuously
.
However
, there was a noticeable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
between the number

of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
. In 1924, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of male raised to 3000 while the

number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
remained lower than a thousand. This trend continued

until 2012 where the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
reached almost 5000 while the amount

of male was about 6000.

Moving on, The line graph depicted the rise of
overall
participants of the

Olympic, which begun at about 4000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in 1924 to above 10 000 in 2012.

Further
more, there was
also
a noticeable leap during the year 2012
in contrast


with the past year that depicted with a steady rise.
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IELTS academic The bar graph illustrated the amount of male and female that participated in the Olympics starting with 1924 and ended with 2012, while the line graph showed the overview of all participants during the same time period.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
168 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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