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The bar graph below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar graph below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Gmme
The provided bar graph illustrates the amount of Australian people of different age groups and genders who did daily exercise in 2010. Overall, young and old women less preferred to do physical activity as compare to middle-aged women in Australia. However, the trend was completely reverse for men of Australia in 2010. To begin with, 52. 8% boys did exercise who were aged between 15 to 24. While girls of same age group were quite lower in compare to boys which was 47. 7%. There was dramatical fell in proportion of male who were 25 to 34 year old and which was 42. 2%. In this age group, women were more willing to do physical activity. Moreover, 52. 5% female of 35 to 44 year old did exercise whereas only 39. 5% male did physical activity in 2010. Furthermore, 43. 1% middle-aged men did physical exercise which was higher than amount of 35 to 44 year age group. In same age group, women were quite higher than men which was the highest proportion of female among all age groups. In addition, 45. 1% of men and 53% women of 55 to 64 year old were doing exercise in Australia. Additionally, percentage of old people of both genders were almost similar.
The provided bar graph illustrates the amount of Australian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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age
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groups
and genders who did daily
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exercise
in 2010.

Overall
, young and
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old
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women
less preferred to do
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physical
activity as compare to middle-aged
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women
in Australia.
However
, the trend was completely reverse for
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men
of Australia in 2010.

To
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begin
with, 52. 8% boys did
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exercise
who
were aged
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 15 and 24".
between 15 to 24
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
girls of same
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age
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group
were quite lower in compare to boys which was 47. 7%. There was
Possible spelling mistake found.
dramatical
fell in proportion of male who were 25 to 34
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year
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old
and which was 42. 2%. In this
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age
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group
,
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women
were more willing to do
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physical
activity.
Moreover
, 52. 5% female of 35 to 44
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year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
did
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exercise
whereas
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only
39. 5% male did
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physical
activity in 2010.

Furthermore
, 43. 1% middle-aged
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men
did
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physical
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exercise
which was higher than amount of 35 to 44
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year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
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group
. In same
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age
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group
,
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women
were quite higher than
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men
which was the highest proportion of female among all
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age
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groups
.
In addition
, 45. 1% of
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men
and 53%
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women
of 55 to 64
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year
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old
were doing
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exercise
in Australia.
Additionally
, percentage of
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old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of both genders were almost similar.
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IELTS academic The bar graph below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
210 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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