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The bar chart shows the percentages of men and women in different occupations in a town.

The bar chart shows the percentages of men and women in different occupations in a town. rLXNJ
In the bar chart, we can see the percentage of men and women that were involved in different occupations in a town. Overall, It can be observed that the percentage of men was higher than that of women in all professions. except in teaching. First of all, we can see that the highest percentage of males and females were in architecture. The figures were 95% and 75 %respectively. which was the highest point on the chart. In nursing, the percentage of males was the same as the architecture. then the probability of females was 12%. the lowest percentage of both genders worked in the police force. the percentage of 10% and 25%. The biggest difference is the percentage of gender in engineering. The figures of men were around 70% than that of women 10%. The percentage of men higher in sports than women. the figures around 40% and 25%. the percentage of teaching was women about 55% than that man around 48%.
In the bar chart, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
that
were involved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
occupations in a town.

Overall
, It can
be observed
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
was higher than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in all professions.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
except
in teaching.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of males and females were in architecture. The figures were 95% and 75 %
respectively
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
which
was the highest point on the chart.

In nursing, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of males was the same as the architecture.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
then
the probability of females was 12%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
lowest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of both genders worked in the police force.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of 10% and 25%. The biggest difference is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of gender in engineering.

The figures of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
were around 70% than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
10%.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
higher in sports than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
figures around 40% and 25%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of teaching was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
about 55% than that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
around 48%.
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IELTS academic The bar chart shows the percentages of men and women in different occupations in a town.

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
162 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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