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The bar chart participants of male in seniors development position

The bar chart participants of male in seniors development position GlmML
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of participation of male in senior development position in IBM, Microsoft and apple companies from 1980 to 2010. The data has calibrated in percentile. Overall, the highest percent has experienced in year 2010 by IBM company. While the lowest percentage in apple company. To begin with, in 1980 the participation of gent in apple company about 15 %. Then, the next year the Microsoft and apple senior postion in negligible difference. In year 1990 the Microsoft company revealed the percentage of male in senior position that was nearly 10 percent. Moreover, in 1995 the IBM is shariply inclined the participation of male gender around 25 %. In 2000 year the IBM senior development position of selection men is steadily increased nearly 32 percent. Furthermore, during the 2010 period apple company is less selection of participants rather than IBM company about 24 %.
The bar chart illustrates the percentage of participation of male in
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senior
development position in IBM, Microsoft and
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apple
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companies
from 1980 to 2010. The data has calibrated in percentile.
Overall
, the highest percent has experienced in
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year
2010 by IBM
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company
.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
the lowest percentage in
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apple
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company
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, in 1980 the participation of gent in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
about 15 %. Then, the
next
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year
the Microsoft and
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apple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
Possible spelling mistake found.
postion
in negligible difference. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
1990 the Microsoft
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company
revealed the percentage of male in
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senior
position that was
nearly
10 percent.
Moreover
, in 1995 the IBM is
Possible spelling mistake found.
shariply
inclined the participation of male gender around 25 %. In 2000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
the IBM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
senior
development position of selection
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
is
steadily
increased
nearly
32 percent.
Furthermore
, during the 2010 period
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
apple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
is less selection of participants
rather
than IBM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
about 24 %.

IELTS academic The bar chart participants of male in seniors development position

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
148 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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