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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of men and women who held jobs in four countries namely South Africa, Chile, Finland and Norway in the year 2002.

The bar chart illustrates the proportion of men and women who held jobs in four countries namely South Africa, Chile, Finland and Norway in the year 2002. MMm8a
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of men and women who held jobs in four countries namely South Africa, Chile, Finland and Norway in the year 2002. Overall, it is clear that the rate of men in the workforce was higher than that of women in all four countries. Also noticeable was that the employment figures for both sexes in Finland and Norway were relatively close, whilst there was more of a difference in South Africa and Chile. The gap between the percentages of men and women was the largest in the latter case. Looking at the graph more closely, one can see that the employment rate of male in Norway was the dominant in four countries, accounting for nearly 80%, just ahead of this figure in Chile and Finland, at roughly 70%. However, the proportion of South Africa men in work was low in comparison with the others since only half of them held jobs. Having a similar pattern with men, the percentage of Norwegian women in work was highest, at above 70%. Finland was second on the list, with around 60% of women holding jobs. The rate for South Africa was next on the list, at approximately 38% women worked, slightly more than the figure for Chile with roughly 35%.
The bar chart illustrates the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
who held jobs in four countries
namely
South Africa, Chile, Finland and Norway in the year 2002.

Overall
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the workforce was higher than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in all four countries.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
noticeable was that the employment figures for both sexes in Finland and Norway were
relatively
close, whilst there was more of a difference in South Africa and Chile. The gap between the percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
was the largest in the latter case.

Looking at the graph more
closely
, one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the employment rate of male in Norway was the dominant in four countries, accounting for
nearly
80%,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
ahead of this figure in Chile and Finland, at roughly 70%.
However
, the proportion of South Africa
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in work was low
in comparison
with the others since
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
half of them held jobs.

Having a similar pattern with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, the percentage of Norwegian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in work was highest, at above 70%. Finland was second on the list, with around 60% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
holding jobs. The rate for South Africa was
next
on the list, at approximately 38%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
worked,
slightly
more than the figure for Chile with roughly 35%.

IELTS academic The bar chart illustrates the proportion of men and women who held jobs in four countries namely South Africa, Chile, Finland and Norway in the year 2002.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
212 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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