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The bar chart illustrates the data about the occupation of graduate and postgraduate students who were not employed for a full-time job after studying in 2008.

The bar chart illustrates the data about the occupation of graduate and postgraduate students who were not employed for a full-time job after studying in 2008. OyYdd
The bar chart illustrates the data about the occupation of graduate and postgraduate students who were not employed for a full-time job after studying in 2008. The main features are that there was a great difference in the number of students in all measured areas. The most popular direction was further studying and the least attractive was voluntary work. In 2008 17, 735 graduate students were part-time employed against 2, 535 postgraduate so that there was an eight-time differ. Same pattern but with more dramatic differ was in other groups of students however there were difference approxementely in ten times. In addition around third part of both graduate students were particuly employed. A little under fifty per cent of number graduate students deeped into studying by contrast by postgraduate students where only third of them went for further education. Voluntery work had really low per cent of student of both degree nevertheless with unemployed group consist with third part of students.
The bar chart illustrates the data about the occupation of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
and postgraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who were not employed for a full-time job after studying in 2008.

The main features are that there was a great difference in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in all measured areas.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
most popular direction was
further
studying and the least attractive was voluntary work.

In 2008 17, 735
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
were part-time employed against 2, 535 postgraduate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that there was an eight-time differ. Same pattern
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
with more dramatic differ was in other groups of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
however
there were difference
Possible spelling mistake found.
approxementely
in ten times.

In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
addition
around third part of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
were
Possible spelling mistake found.
particuly
employed. A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
under fifty per cent of number
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
graduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
Possible spelling mistake found.
deeped
into studying by contrast by postgraduate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
third of them went for
further
education.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Voluntery
work had
really
low per cent of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
of both degree
nevertheless
with unemployed group consist with third part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
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IELTS academic The bar chart illustrates the data about the occupation of graduate and postgraduate students who were not employed for a full-time job after studying in 2008.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
161 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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