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THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE RESULT OF A SURVEY CONDUCTED BY A PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT AT A MAJOR COMPANY.THE SURVEY WAS CARRIED OUT ON TWO GROUPS OF WORKERS:THOSE AGED FROM 18-30 AND THOSE AGED 45-60,AND SHOWS FACTORS AFFECTING THEIR PERFORMANCE.WRITE A REPORT FOR A UNIVERSITY...

THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE RESULT OF A SURVEY CONDUCTED BY A PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT AT A MAJOR COMPANY. THE SURVEY WAS CARRIED OUT ON TWO GROUPS OF WORKERS: THOSE AGED FROM 18-30 AND THOSE AGED 45-60, AND SHOWS FACTORS AFFECTING THEIR PERFORMANCE. WRITE A REPORT FOR A UNIVERSITY. . . a06o
The bar chart provides information about how many factors affecting the work performance of employees in major company, in terms of two age groups(aged 18-30 and 45-60 years of age) through the survey held by personnel development. overall, the elements affecting the first age group's work are more when compared to other group while excluding couple of factors in which it outraced the first group. In contrast another pair of elements had no specific impact on both age groups. To begin with elements like chance for personal development and relaxed working environment had large effect on the employees of 18-30 years of age than second set 45-60 years of age with about 50 points difference. Along with job security and promotion prospects another aspects like job satisfaction and money showed considerable impact on 18-30 years of age group compared to 45-60 years of aged employees with difference of approximately 20-30 points and 2-5 points respectively. Meanwhile, the 45-60 years of age employees has more respect from colleagues and exceeded 18-30 age group in having more affect from aspect competent boss with about 5points difference. However team spirit and work environment were having equal range of impact in both age groups.
The bar chart provides information about how
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many
factors affecting the work performance of
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employees
in major
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, in terms of two
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age
groups(aged 18-30 and 45-60 years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age)
through the survey held by personnel development.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
overall
, the elements affecting the
first
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age
group's work are more when compared to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
while excluding
It seems that an article is missing.
couple of
factors in which it outraced the
first
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group
. In
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
contrast
another pair of elements had no specific impact on both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with elements like chance for personal development and relaxed working environment had large effect on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
of 18-30 years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
than second set 45-60 years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
with about 50
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
difference. Along with job security and promotion prospects another aspects like job satisfaction and money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
considerable impact on 18-30 years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
compared to 45-60 years of aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
with difference of approximately 20-30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
and 2-5
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
points
respectively
. Meanwhile, the 45-60 years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
has more respect from colleagues and exceeded 18-30
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
in having more
Did you mean "effect"?
affect
from aspect competent boss with about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
5points
difference.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
team spirit and work environment were having equal range of impact in both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
.
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IELTS academic THE BAR CHART BELOW SHOWS THE RESULT OF A SURVEY CONDUCTED BY A PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT AT A MAJOR COMPANY. THE SURVEY WAS CARRIED OUT ON TWO GROUPS OF WORKERS: THOSE AGED FROM 18-30 AND THOSE AGED 45-60, AND SHOWS FACTORS AFFECTING THEIR PERFORMANCE. WRITE A REPORT FOR A UNIVERSITY. . .

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
200 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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