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The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart demonstrate the proportion of Australian male and female from age 15 to 65+, who did daily physical exercise in year 2010. Overall, males who's age is between 15 to 24 are taking more part in daily physical exercise compare to any other age group. While, female age from 35 to 64 are more connected to daily physical activity in 2010. As per the given graph, 52. 8% of men's age between 15-24 engaged in daily exercise, Which is the highest percentage compare to any other age group. Where the percentage dropped steadily to 42. 2%(age 25-34) and 39. 5%(age 35-44). However, percentage of men's age group 45-54, 55-64, 65+, increase slightly to 43. 1, 45. 1, 46. 7 respectively. Meanwhile, 47. 7% of females age from 15-24 did regular physical activity. following that, Number of percentage grew markedly to 48. 9%(age 25-34). Where, Percentage rate kept fluctuated between age group 35-44(52. 5%), 45-54(53. 3%) and 55-64(53%). only 47. 1% of 65+ year age of the women engaged in the daily physical activity which is the least number of percentage.
The bar chart demonstrate the proportion of Australian male and female from
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age
15 to 65+, who did
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daily
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physical
exercise in year 2010.
Overall
, males who's
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age
is
After “between”, use “and”, not “to”.
between 15 to 24
are taking more part in
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daily
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physical
exercise compare to any other
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age
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group
.
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While
, female
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age
from 35 to 64 are more connected to
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daily
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physical
activity in 2010. As per the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
graph, 52. 8% of
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men
's
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age
between 15-24 engaged in
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daily
exercise, Which is the highest
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percentage
compare to any other
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age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
.
“Where” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Where
the
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percentage
dropped
steadily
to 42.
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2%(age
25-34) and 39.
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5%(age
35-44).
However
,
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percentage
of
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men
's
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age
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group
45-54, 55-64, 65+, increase
slightly
to 43. 1, 45. 1, 46. 7
respectively
. Meanwhile, 47. 7% of females
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age
from 15-24 did regular
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physical
activity.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
following
that, Number of
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percentage
grew
markedly
to 48.
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9%(age
25-34).
“Where” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Where
,
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Percentage
rate
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kept
fluctuated between
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age
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group
35-44(52. 5%), 45-54(53. 3%) and 55-64(53%).
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter.
only
47. 1% of 65+ year
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age
of the women engaged in the
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daily
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physical
activity which is the least number of
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percentage
.
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IELTS academic The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
182 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
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Task Achievement: 5.0
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