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The bar and line chart below shows average monthly temperatures and bathing suit sales in New York for the first 6 months of 2012.

The bar and line chart below shows average monthly temperatures and bathing suit sales in New York for the first 6 months of 2012. oxoLb
The two graphic illustrates the average temperature of the New York City in contrast to revenue on sale of the summer bathing suit in the year of 2012. In the overall trend, the sales of the bathing suit increase drastically. However, the temperature of the first six month show major fluctuation. To start off with, there was a constant rate of sales for the suit in the first 2 months January and February with the profit of 150 thousand dollars. Suddenly, there was a rapid sharp increase reaching to the peak from February to May with the net worth of 300 thousand dollars. Finally, on the last month June there is a subtle growth of sale which is lower slightly lower then 350 thousand dollars. In addition, June was the least hottest month with the average degree nearly reaching 0 degree Fahrenheit. Moreover, April was the hottest month nearly reaching 60 degree Fahrenheit. For the last four month there wasn't much significant difference with, February below 30, march being 30 and May being above 20 degree Fahrenheit.
The two graphic illustrates the average temperature of the New York City
in contrast
to revenue on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
of the summer bathing suit in the year of 2012.

In the
overall
trend, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of the bathing suit increase
drastically
.
However
, the temperature of the
first
six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
major fluctuation.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
off with, there was a constant rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
for the suit in the
first
2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
months
January and February with the profit of 150 thousand dollars.
Suddenly
, there was a rapid sharp increase reaching to the peak from February to May with the net worth of 300 thousand dollars.
Finally
, on the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
June there is a subtle growth of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
which is lower
slightly
Did you mean "lower than"?
lower then
350 thousand dollars.

In addition
, June was the
Non-standard use of the comparative or superlative. Did you mean "least hot"?
least hottest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
with the average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
nearly
reaching 0
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
Fahrenheit.
Moreover
, April was the hottest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
month
nearly
reaching 60
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
Fahrenheit. For the last four
Possible agreement error. The noun 'month' seems to be countable, so consider using: "months".
month
there wasn't much significant difference with, February below 30, march being 30 and May being above 20
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degree
Fahrenheit.

IELTS academic The bar and line chart below shows average monthly temperatures and bathing suit sales in New York for the first 6 months of 2012.

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
177 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
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  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
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  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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