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the amount of time that 10 to 15 year olds spend chatting on the internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK

the amount of time that 10 to 15 year olds spend chatting on the internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK 9Lle3
A glance at the bar chart provided reveals the time is spent to the online communication and playing on games consoles in daily of girls and boys student who is 10 to 15 years old on a school in the UK. It is apparent from the information that the boys are prefer playing console games than the girl, while the time which spent on chatting on the girl group is much more higher than the boy ones. And both of groups is likely to spent about 1 to 3 hours per day to do what they like, which is the group has high percent. in the terms of chatting online, most of girls spend in 1 to 3 hours, about 35% of girls, compare with only 25% of boys. In the group of spent less than an hour, the percentage of girls and boys is equal, about 25%, while more that 9% of girls spend more than 4 hours to chat, higher the average about 4%. Boy group spends more time in playing games, about 43% boys who playing at least 1 hours, more than 2 times in girl group, about 11%. the girls who spend less than an hour is more than 36% while the boys are only 30%, lower that average around a mere of 2%.
A glance at the bar chart provided reveals the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
to the online communication and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
on games consoles in daily of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
and
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boys
student who is 10 to 15 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
on a school in the UK.

It is apparent from the information that the
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boys
are
Consider using a past participle here: "preferred".
prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
console games than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girl
, while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
on chatting on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girl
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
is much
Use only "higher" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more higher
than the
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boy
ones. And both of
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groups
is likely to
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spent
about 1 to 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
per day to do what they like, which is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
has high percent.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
the terms of chatting online, most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
in 1 to 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, about 35% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
, compare with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
25% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
. In the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spent
less than an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
, the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
is equal, about 25%, while more that 9% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more than 4
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
to chat, higher the average about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
4%. Boy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spends
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
games, about 43%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
at least 1
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, more than 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girl
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
, about 11%.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
girls
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
less than an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
is more than 36% while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
boys
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
30%, lower that average around a mere of 2%.
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IELTS academic the amount of time that 10 to 15 year olds spend chatting on the internet and playing on games consoles on an average school day in the UK

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
218 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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