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telephone calls in finland from 1995 to 2004 (by Category)

telephone calls in finland from 1995 to 2004 (by Category) 0leBG
The given bar graph shows how many time was spent on telephone calls in finland from 1995 to 2004. Units are measured in minutes in millions. Overall, it can clearly be seen that the number of minutes in all call categories particularly increased throughout the given period of time, with the exception of local-landline, which experienced a gradual decrease over the second half into its original level. As a result, although local-landline remained the highest from start to finish, the gap was narrower at the end. In terms of the most used telephone calls in finland during the following years between 1995 and 2004, local-landlines stood at pricesely 12. 000 in 1995 before rising gradually thoughout the given period and reached a peak at almost 18. 000 in 2001. From this point onwards, it started to experienced a significant decrease and hit a through to its original level in 2004. Regarding the other two lines with a lower amount of minutes in calls at the start, the national and international-landline and mobiles started at 6000 and nearly zero, respectively. The former then rose gradually by just above 10. 000 in 2004. In contrast, the latter extremely increased to nearly 10. 000 in the same year. As a result, the gap between other lines becoming closer at the end.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how
Possible agreement error. The noun time seems to be countable; consider using: "many times".
many time
was spent
on telephone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
finland
from 1995 to 2004. Units
are measured
in minutes in millions.

Overall
, it can
clearly
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that the number of minutes in all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
call
categories
particularly
increased throughout the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period of time,
Consider using "except" or "except for"
with the exception of
local-landline, which experienced a gradual decrease over the second half into its original level.
As a result
, although local-landline remained the highest from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to finish, the gap was narrower at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

In terms of the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
telephone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
finland
during the following years between 1995 and 2004, local-landlines stood at
Possible spelling mistake found.
pricesely
12. 000 in 1995
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
rising
gradually
Possible spelling mistake found.
thoughout
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period and reached a peak at almost 18. 000 in 2001. From this point onwards, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to experienced a significant decrease and hit a through to its original level in 2004.

Regarding the other two lines with a lower amount of minutes in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
calls
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, the national and international-landline and mobiles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
at 6000 and
nearly
zero,
respectively
. The former then rose
gradually
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above 10. 000 in 2004.
In contrast
, the latter
extremely
increased to
nearly
10. 000 in the same year.
As a result
, the gap between other lines becoming closer at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.
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IELTS academic telephone calls in finland from 1995 to 2004 (by Category)

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
218 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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