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proportion of old people in USA ,Sweden and Japan

proportion of old people in USA, Sweden and Japan 9amYr
The graph given illustrates percentage of old people with age 65 and over to total population in USA, Sweden, Japan between 1940 and 2040. Generally speaking, in USA and Sweden, ratio of the old people had an increasing trend over the years and whereas in Japan, it decreased till around 1990 and later it increased sharply. Getting back to details, people with age 65 and over in USA was just below 10% in 1940. It mildly increased between 1940 and 1960, thus reached 10 percent. Till 2020, this proportion had an increasing trend even if it some times decreased and reached around 15 percent in 2020. It is expected that the ratio will have a huge increase between years 2020 and 2040. As for the Sweden, the line showing the percentage of old people to population of country behaved almost same as the one of that of USA between 1940 and about 1990. However the values were just below of the values for USA. After around 1990, the ratio increased moderately till 2020. The calculations shows that old people will be exactly one-fourth of total population in Sweden. Finally in Japan, the proportion of human beings with an age 65 and over was just below 5 percent. This value decreased to around 3 percent till 1960 and reached lowest value. Then it stayed almost same till about 1990. Then it increased rapidly and reached around 8 percent in 2020. It is thought that the ratio will reach 25 percent long before 2040 and will have the biggest percentage in the proportions of between these three countries.
The graph
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustrates percentage of
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old
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people
with age 65 and
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over
to total population
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
, Sweden, Japan between 1940 and 2040.
Generally
speaking,
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
and Sweden,
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ratio
of the
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old
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people
had an increasing trend
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over
the years and whereas in Japan, it decreased till
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around
1990 and later it
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increased
sharply
.

Getting back to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
,
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people
with age 65 and
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over
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 10% in 1940. It
mildly
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increased
between 1940 and 1960,
thus
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reached
10
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percent
. Till 2020, this proportion had an increasing trend even if it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
times decreased and
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reached
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around
15
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percent
in 2020. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
that the
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ratio
will have a huge increase between years 2020 and 2040.

As for the Sweden, the line showing the percentage of
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old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to population of country behaved almost same as the one of that
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the USA".
of USA
between 1940 and about 1990.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
the values were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below of the values
A determiner is probably missing here: "for the USA".
for USA
. After
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around
1990, the
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ratio
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increased
moderately
till 2020. The calculations
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shows
that
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old
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people
will be exactly one-fourth of total population in Sweden.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
in Japan, the proportion of human beings with an age 65 and
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over
was
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just
below 5
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percent
. This
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value
decreased to
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around
3
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percent
till 1960 and
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reached
A determiner is probably missing here: "the lowest".
lowest
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value
. Then it stayed almost same till about 1990. Then it
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increased
rapidly
and
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reached
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around
8
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percent
in 2020. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that the
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ratio
will reach 25
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percent
long
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before
2040 and will have the biggest percentage in the proportions of between these three countries.
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IELTS academic proportion of old people in USA, Sweden and Japan

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
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Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
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    Present relevant ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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