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Pie charts about the percentage of volunteers by organization in 2008 and 2014.

Pie charts about the percentage of volunteers by organization in 2008 and 2014. GNmgo
The given combination of two pie charts represent the information about proportion of helpers who helped in organization in 2008 and 2014. To be more precise, just above a fifth percent volunteers were noticed in first year and this figure was increased by 8℅in 2014. In terms of art, helpers were 18℅ and 12℅in 2008 and 2014, respectively. Maximum free paid employees aided in sports area that was exactly a quarter in the last year whereas it was minimum in first year, stood at 15℅. Moving towards, Almost similar percentage of help was provided by social individuals, approximately 8 in health care. In educational area, 24℅in 2008 and 17℅ in 2014, people were helped as a volunteers. The respective figure of helpers in others was 15℅and 9℅. Overall, it can be noticed that most of volunteers were observed in environmental area and lower in health care in the given period.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
combination of two pie charts represent the information about proportion of helpers who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
in organization in 2008 and 2014. To be more precise,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above a fifth percent
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "volunteer"?
volunteers
were noticed
in
first
year and this figure
was increased
by 8℅in 2014. In terms of art, helpers were 18℅ and 12℅in 2008 and 2014,
respectively
. Maximum free paid employees aided in sports area that was exactly a quarter in the last year whereas it was minimum in
first
year, stood at 15℅. Moving towards, Almost similar percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
was provided
by social individuals, approximately 8 in health care. In educational area, 24℅in 2008 and 17℅ in 2014,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
as
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a volunteer" or simply "volunteers"?
a volunteers
. The respective figure of helpers in others was 15℅and 9℅.
Overall
, it can
be noticed
that
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the volunteers") or simply say "most volunteers".
most of volunteers
were observed
in environmental area and lower in health care in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period.
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IELTS academic Pie charts about the percentage of volunteers by organization in 2008 and 2014.

Academic
  American English
1 paragraphs
150 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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